Voices [EXPLICIT]

I know that if I share my laments, I will only be told, "Sorry, but you have a pretty good life".
Yes, of course I have a better life than a starving orphan or something, that doesn't mean life can't be a bitch sometimes. For gosh sakes, if it didn't, it wouldn't be life. I'd be living in a dream, not reality. I've had my fair share in the last couple of days. It get's tough. It's hard to cope sometimes. I'm stressed, but at the same time, I'm getting disappointed  about a lot of things. Like it's hiding around corners of hope, waiting to pounce on me the moment I turn that corner.I don't even know anymore...

Liebester Blog Award

Still don't know why the heck I was nominated for this... But I guess this will be fun? Here it goes.

1. What's your favorite movie, and why? 

Mr. Nobody. Because it has Jared Leto in it, and because it is really thought provoking. It really reflects what goes on in my mind. I'm always thinking about the consequences of an action, always trying to determine the outcome.

2. If you could perform one song on stage for the rest of your life and that song only, what would it be?

Heaven Help Us by My Chemical Romance. I love Twenty One Pilots, however, I feel like this really exhibits the hopelessness I feel sometimes. I love the phrase, "The punchline to the joke is asking, someone save us!".

3. If you could pick one actor to play you in a movie about your life, who would it be?

Thomas Brody-Sangster. All the way. Plus he's English.

4. If you could live in any decade in history, not including the current one, what decade would it be? 

Either the 50's, because let's be honest, greasers are legit. Or maybe some decade where I happen to be a great singer and I am famous with my bestie Joseph Arze.

5. If you could be one animal in the wild, what animal would you be?

Wolf. You have friends, and you basically kill things for fun.

6. If you could live in any city, what city would you live in, and why? 

Some secluded city in Colorado or Alaska, but with my friends. I love the great outdoors, and I love mountains in general.

7. If you could rename yourself, what would you choose?

Wade. Because Deadpool is my spirit animal.

8. What's your favorite color, and why?

Black, it reflects my soul. Easy.

9. If you could live on one planet from starwars, what would it be?

Alderaan, because I hear it's beautiful this time of year.

10. When did you start writing?

I have no idea... Ever since I can remember, I have written stories as a kid. Not to mention all the creative writing classes I took.

11. What's your favorite poem? 

Either "The Crickets have Arthritis" or "Atlantis" both by Shane Koyzcan. He's a great writer and narrator. Or maybe even Tyler Joseph's "Street Poetry". It is the same poetry that is in HeavyDirtySoul.

Ok... 11 facts... Lemme see...

1. I am a very emo person inside. If my subconscious was a person, nobody would feel comfortable around him except for other emos. He dresses in all black. Kinda creepy.

2. I listen to scream. Sue me. I think there is an art to it. If not, I'd be able to do it.

3. I used to be afraid of needles, but now they don't really scare me. Thanks to God.

4. I've gone hunting ever since I was 5, yet I've never killed anything bigger than a dove. Unless fish count.

5. I can't cry if I'm upset, I only become hysterical, but if I hear a good song or poem, I occasionally tear up.

6. I considered killing myself in 8th grade, because I was exposed to inappropriate language and profanity all at once. It overwhelmed me, but I'm still alive.

7. If I don't finish songs, I always scrap them and put them as poems on this blog. (Kinda wasteful)

8. I never REALLY wanted to be a lifeguard, but hey, it was easy, and it had pretty good pay. But I'm ok with it now, I like the people there.

9. I am nice to my dog, but I seriously hate him, because he gets into my trash, and it is super obnoxious. Love/hate relationship, I guess.

10. I actually really enjoy playing sports, but I hate going to practice, so I never do it anymore.

11. As fare as school goes, I was homeschooled, then private schooled, then homeschooled, then public schooled, then homeschooled again. So I've tried everything except no school, which is basically self-taught. I couldn't do that, because I would tell my mom that Assassin's Creed is teaching me history.

Well.... That's about it... I hope this helped someone... But now I nominate Ethan Grey.

Here is your questions, you strange human being:

1. What's your favorite movie, and why? 

2. If you could perform one song on stage for the rest of your life and that song only, what would it be?

3. If you could pick one actor to play you in a movie about your life, who would it be?

4. If you could have any super-power, what would it be? 

5. If you had to live without one body part, what would it be?

6. If you could live in any city, what city would you live in, and why? 

7. If you could rename yourself, what would you choose?

8. What's your favorite color, and why?

9. If you could pick what you do for a living, and you'd get paid half a million dollars a year to do it, what would it be?

10. When did you start writing?

11. If you could have anything in the world (something materialistic), what would it be and why? 

Don't Count the Bumps on the Ceiling...

I often wonder why we try...
Every day we get back up on our horses trying to ride life through
Even the "mask of lies" façade is starting to feel a bit clichéd

Sometimes I find myself asking whether or not the real reason why we haven't killed ourselves
Is just because we never had the guts to do it

I don't think its ever because we had too much to live for
Much less too much to die for
But the most of the time, the thing that drives us to a halt, is that we have people we can't die for
As if in our selfish moment of suicide, we know that we could set off a chain reaction
One after one, we'd all fall down
I was his best friend, he was mine, then his friends are affected by him
What is it that we're afraid to die for?

I often wonder what it looks like to live a life unbounded by the chains of society
Moving free toward the sun like some movie where the hero rides into the sunset
All is well and he starts his life over, his turmoil marking his new beginnings

But that cant happen, you see?
It just cant happen...

Do me a favor, and never count the bumps on the ceiling,
Because after you count far enough, you'll start to ponder life,
Most of the time looking for an answer,
And, friend, I've learned if you ever try to look for an answer
Or look in a mirror asking yourself the question "Why?"
You'll always lead back to depression
You'll always get lost in thought while your soul will die...

I'm sorry if that's over dramatic
It's just that I'm over-obsessed with the word "insanity".
It's as if our brains want to give up,
Our hands shaking, and our hearts are breaking
And it's not biological, you just get so caught up in your mind, that you'll again start to ask questions again,
Yet, this time, you don't resort to resentment,
You just stand there laughing hysterically, because there is nothing left to do,
But let the words flow down through you into your fingers, and through the pen
Like a drug, allowing us to get some kind of twitchy comfort
Deriving from the words you organize in your thoughts
Holding on to nostalgia like a dear friend hanging off a cliff,
But this time your friend isn't holding on anymore,
Instead, everyone plus the friend, is asking you, begging you
"Please let me go..."

I often wonder...
Why do we hold on to the past?
We knew it'd never last
Because if we live in that domain, we will be stricken with fear unable to carry on to the future

Friend...
If that mirror I talked about earlier reflected your soul
If all the reflections showed our true nature,
Would everyone we love abandon us?
Would we be left asking "Why?"?

For now...
If it makes any sense at all,
Like birds withhold their innocence,
We repeat the songs we sing
Because birds don't speak...
They sing...
The only judging they do is whether of not to mate with each other or not...
We aimlessly sing these songs,
And I believe that every time we sing a song, it goes somewhere
They were meant for someone,
I believe that every songwriter out there writes a song with the intentions to vent,
And whether or not they realize it,
They write for the purpose to finally be heard...

Some of us pray to God in attempts to be acknowledged
Like innocent baby birds waiting to be fed,
So we sing our songs, and they may not be beautiful,
But we will be heard...
God and these people will listen to our cry.
Because as we ask our questions "Why?",
We know that we live to write,
And to connect to the social atmosphere,
Just hoping that someone out there has the same exact feelings as us,
And that our words align with their thoughts,
The thoughts of those who choose not to write, or those who think they can't
We try to give them the same reason to live,
And although it may not be natural,
Like prosthetic limbs, our songs and prayers hold a place for them, at least for show
Just so they can "Keep Calm and Carry On"...

Even Superman can't fight his battles sometimes...
I look toward the horizon and I feel hope...
Not hope for tomorrow, just enough to convince myself and know that past that, there are others...
There are people out there who feel what I'm saying,
Who know what it's like to be alone, but with so many people around them to support them,
Because depression runs deep, and it feeds off of our deepest fears.
Every amateur knows that weeds have to be pulled from the roots, or they will just grow back
If weed killer worked, there would be no weeds
Taking pills for depression will only prolong the inevitable.
I'm not asking you to solve it all on your own,
We need companionship,
But pills won't help, trust me I've tried...
We're so self-destructive...

I often wonder...
Why do we put ourselves in situations that only make these so much worse for ourselves,
As if we think somewhere down this short line we call life,
There will be some kind of bed we can rest on along the way...
Let me save you time and tell you...
It doesn't get any easier...
Life sucks...
I know it's hard to be an optimist,
And I know people who try to be the optimist for others, including myself,
But sometimes, it is impossible to be a beacon of hope for people...
I have grown accustom to hatred for sympathy, but that's just me
Help is something we seek on this planet, but sometimes it is a hard thing to find,
If you find it too quick, I promise it either doesn't work,
Or it is only a stop for gas to fuel the long, long journey you have ahead of you in this short life
It will only seem short when you grow old, and you will finally be able to look in the mirror,
And we'll be so weary that we in fact can see ourselves the way we are,
We'll be that delusional, but we'll have the clarity we've all sought out to find in our minds
In this extended amount of small time we called existence
I just hope that that day I wake up and find I'm a little less worse off than I had imagined.

Promise me you'll never look in the mirror,
Promise me you'll never count the bumps on the ceiling.
Promise me, you'll do something.

Because when we're not busy,
We often wonder...

Atlantis- Shane Koyczan [EXPLICIT]

Your entire body shakes you when laugh,
As if your sense of humour was built on a fault line
And the coast of your heart

Falls into the ocean of yourself
And I'm left looking for this Atlantis.

Left looking for this place
That exists in the stories told by old men
Who were there when mathematics assured them.
Their willingness to believe
Was greater than their determination to dismiss
I'm left looking for Atlantis.

Regardless of the scientist that insists
My efforts would be better spent
Unearthing clues to where the wild things went.

Try as it might,
Faith can't put a dent fact.
So we must settle for science re-enact the world,
As if the universe was curled around this globe

And if we consider that the universe is never ending
Then we're not even a microbe.
We're like a death threat from a pacifist,
We're nothing.

But the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle states that:
"Nothing is fo' shizzle"
And the interesting thing about that
Is that it ensures that the principle itself can't even be a fact.

But we still act as though
This time we can see the forest through the trees.
Regardless of the soft wood lumber levies,
We fall in line like reforested pine.

It's all straight rows
Were everything grows a little less wild,
A little more humdrum,
Ho, hum.

We come from the mentality
That rarely sees the horror in symmetry
Or the beauty in non-conformity.
We insist that for us,
Everything must be clear cut.

But what about philosophy?
What about the tree that fell in the forest
That no one was around to hear?
It's a little less clear,
A little more deep.
Deep like,

If Oprah Winfrey farts in a bathtub
And no bubbles come to the surface,
Is there an alternate universe
Where the price of gas is cheap?

Possible,
But we can't prove it,
Any more than we can prove
That light can move fast enough
To stop a monster hiding in the closet.

We deposit our faith in fear
But clear our minds to the possibility that
Maybe we as adults,
Still get scared of the dark.
Things that go bump in the night.

And I can't prove that I've ever loved anyone,
But despite the smoking
And the overweight body
I want to grow old with you.

Go through muscle and joint pains
To the point that every time it rains
We can feel it in our knees.
Get arthritis so bad,
That every time we move
We sound like two bowls of Rice Krispies.

We're all "Snap, Crackle and pop"
But we still take the time to stop,
And take the time.
I'm looking for Atlantis.

Letting faith turn this fiction into fact
As if I tracked this missing continent for decades,
And all I know so far
Is that it is somewhere under water.

I'm looking for clues in the most blurry photos of UFOs
And thinking,
If alien are so smart,
Than why don't they start making their spaceships look like airplanes?
That way we'd just point to the sky and say:
"An airplane, how common place and not at all suspect."

We're all shipwrecked on this idea
That everything has to be explained.
But maybe we just need to believe
That lemmings jump off cliffs to prove that they love us.

And sure,
That sacrifice is as empty as the box of condoms
That politicians used when they thought they could fuck us.
But it is nice to believe that somebody up there
Cares enough to plummet onto jagged, back-breaking rocks
In an attempt to tells us,
We're beautiful.

Tell us that as far as life goes,
Our finger prints are like snowflakes.
We leave them on everything
But they melt in the time it takes to touch someone's tongue.

But if we're lucky,
Maybe we're remembered
Along with the sunken cities of a lost continent.

This is for each child
Who is a monument to the one's who came before.
Maybe the best we can hope for
Is that those we leave behind find comfort in knowing
That we're born out of love,
And not science.

That biology explains the how,
Love explains the why,
So in the event of our deaths
We hereby bequeath all of these words to you.

And they are only meant to say that
Uncertainty is something everyone goes through.
And there is not much in the way of proof
But believe me, we loved you.

We held our breaths for your first step,
Your first word.
We laughed when it finally occurred to you,
Lemons are sour.

This is for every time
Love becomes the finest minute and the darkest hour.
This if for those who scour the streets
Wondering where the wild things went.
For the believers who lent us their madness.
This is for everyone we miss.

And this is for the children who were lost.
Sadness is nothing more than the cost of being able to smile
Once in a while.
And grief is the trial we stand to offer evidence
That your finger prints were left on our hearts
And our skin,

And in terms of proof,
Love can be demonstrated in giving.
Our lives consist of the efforts we give
In swimming towards the lost continent
Where you are rumored to be living.

Empty

No one can climb waterfalls,
We know that's insane.
But if logic drove us,
We may not have half a brain.
We attempt the impossible,
Which may even happen,
But in the end we are left with the question I'm askin'.

Is it worth it?
The risk or the time or the trial or the pain?
Either way I'm not sure I signed up for this game...
I feel empty, emotionless like I lack a care
Where are we going? Well, I'm not sure where.
I'm sure of nothing, if I am to be honest.
But then again, can you in a life of deadly comments?
They're denting our outsides, and although we hide it,
We have internal damage, so we try to just bide it.
Promise me friend, you won't run away,
Because we're all mad here, so I'll ask you:
Please, stay?

The Real Killer [EXPLICIT]

Look, I don't mean this about anyone but for real...

Fuck sympathy.

Sympathy is the real killer.

It tears apart the internal organs [i.e. heart].

It eats you from the inside out.

I know people like me who feel others pain.

The real debate is, "Is it a gift or a curse?".

"Ever since it began, I was blessed with a curse"

-bmth

It really is a struggle that gets people thinking.

I mean, not everyone has that feeling,

But it is undeniably a harbinger of real pain.

I've learned to isolate myself.

I get lost in my mind somewhere along the way.

It's a place in which I may not return from.

I'm so comfortable there, now.

I can't say I'm alone, because so many people try, and care.

But this just not change that I isolate myself from this.

Sympathy hurts.

Sympathy kills

Fuck sympathy.

I can't see my friends take in my pain.

I work alone.

I suffer alone.

Leave me alone.

A man and his thoughts.

The inner sociopath in us claws the surface. 

We aren't mad men, but soon will will b.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Gaurd yourself from sympathy,

But promise me you won't cope like me.

I can't do it, but I can't do it alone, either.

Doesn't matter, nor, fo I care enough to try to change.

Don't drown with me.

Song Prompt

Emily did this... So why can't I?
Your favorite song:  "Save" by Tyler Joseph or "Heaven Help Us" by My Chemical Romance
Your least favorite song:  "Call Me Maybe" Carly Rae Jepson 
A song that makes you happy:  "Dead!" by My Chemical Romance
A song that makes you sad:  There's so many, but for now, "The Water is Wide (O Waly Waly)" by Gerard Way
A song that reminds you of someone:  MY LEEEAF :3 "Falling in Love Will Kill You" by WRONGCHILDE (ft. Gerard Way) AND "Drugstore Perfume" by Gerard Way
A song that reminds you of somewhere:  "Sunflower Memories" by Joseph Arze
A song that reminds you of a certain event:  "America" by Imagine Dragons
A song that you know all the words to:  I have a lot... so... "I'm Not Okay (I promise)" by My Chemical Romance
A song that you can dance to:  "Professional Griefers" by Deadmau5 (ft. Gerardy Way)
A song that makes you fall asleep:  "Deathbeds" by Bring Me the Horizon (But In a good way. Not because it's boring)
A song from your favorite band:  "Goner" by Twenty One Pilots AND "Thank You for the Venom" by My Chemical Romance
A song from a band you hate:  "Hold Me" by Jamie Grace
A song that no one would expect you to love:  "Out of my League" by Fitz and the Tantrums
A song that describes you:  "The End" by My Chemical Romance
A song that you used to love, but now hate:  "Shut Up and Dance with Me" by WALK THE MOON
A song that you hear often on the radio:  "Tear in My Heart" by Twenty One Pilots
A song that you wish you heard on the radio:  ""Doomed" by Bring Me the Horizon
A song from your favorite album:  "I Never Told You What I Do for a Living" by My Chemical Romance
A song that you listen to when you're angry:  "What You Need" by Bring Me the Horizon, "Gives You Hell" by The All-American Rejects, AND "King for a Day" by Pierce the Veil (ft. Kellin Quinn)
A song that you listen to when you're happy:  "Na Na Na [Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na]" by My Chemical Romance
A song that you listen to when you're sad:  "Hospital for Souls" by Bring Me the Horizon
A song that you want to play at your wedding:  "Falling in Love Will Kill You" by WRONGCHILDE (ft. Gerard Way)
A song that you want to play at your funeral:  "Cancer" by My Chemical Romance
A song that makes you laugh:  "It Comes Naturally" by I Set My Friends on Fire
A song that you can play on an instrument: "Can't Help Falling in Love withh You" by Twenty One Pilots (Elvis Presley)
A song that you wish you could play:  "Kill All Your Friends" by My Chemical Romance
A song from your childhood:  "Driving Nails" by Demon Hunter
Your favorite song this time of last year:  "Gonzo" by The All-American Rejects 

Piano Jam

"Why chase love when it fades away? But is there ever time, is there ever time to stay? Why chase love in the pouring rain? But is there ever time, is there ever time to say... I wouldn't mind layin with you here stroking your hair holding your hand In the ambulance Why chase love it fades away. Is there ever time, is there ever time to stay? Why chase love in the pouring rain? But is it ever time, is it ever time to say I wouldn't mind laying with you here stroking your hair and holding your hand In the ambulance In the ambulance In the ambulance In the ambulance" -Gerard Way

Tap Tap Tap

I could've almost sworn that I saw someone at my window...
The "tap, tap, tap" on that window is driving me insane...
I reassure myself over and over again.
I think it was a bug, but you know that feeling you get?
You know,
The one where you look to make sure it was nothing, but the second you turn back,
You could swear that you saw something, someone at the window...
Maybe in the closet...
In the mirror...
You can never be certain...
I looked again...
This time I swear I saw eyes peeking at the bottom of the windowsill...
Someone or something pale...
As I wrote, I heard more tapping...

I was right...
Fear is here.