It's Okay. I was Dead Already.

I've loved the music you showed me so much,
Yet, now everytime I hear it I can't help but think what I've lost.
Worst part is, sometimes when I'm depressed I'll even go back to it.
When I listen to it then, it truly only makes me hurt worse.
Right now I'm not sure whether in writing for therapy,
Or if I'm signing my own epitaph.
There's so many things on my mind,
And it's get harder to organize my thoughts.
Once more I turn on a song that you shared,
And once again, I feel the pain.
I feel like I've lost it all, but
Despite all of my blessings,
There are just things that aren't worth having without other things.
I would sacrifice material things for real things.
I feel like I'm missing so much.
I'll joke about depression, being emo, cutting, etc.
But I'm wondering if that's not my subconscious yearning for death.
The worst part of waking up at 3:30am isn't that I'll be tired,
It's that while I'm tired, I'll watch the empty streets.
It'll remind me of how empty I feel.
Reminds me of loss.
And then I start counting the bumps on the ceiling, again.
Why am I not surprised anymore, though?
It almost seems natural, because INTJ's aren't happy
Unless they're miserable, says the world.
Normally I would try to run up against that label,
But I think they may be right this time.
It's not really happy though,
It's more like... Negative neutral.
Whatever it is, it's worse than "okay".

I'm Not Okay (I Promise)