Life.
You disgusting entity.
You leave me barren where joy once resided.
You rip me up, tear me apart.
You bring me to my knees.
You scar me beyond comparison,
Yet you don't have the common decency to show me the end of your blade.
You keep me alive to watch me struggle for your own enjoyment.
I'd sooner face death than choose you.
My final destination is greater than your purpose.
Tuesday, November 15, 2016
Monday, November 14, 2016
Acceptance Speech
I'm the one, I'm the one
With my hands around the gun,
I am not afraid, I am not afraid.
I'm the one, I'm the one
With my hands around the gun,
I am not afraid, I am not afraid.
So what I'll die alone.
Alright.
-DGD
With my hands around the gun,
I am not afraid, I am not afraid.
I'm the one, I'm the one
With my hands around the gun,
I am not afraid, I am not afraid.
So what I'll die alone.
Alright.
-DGD
Thursday, November 3, 2016
I'm fantastic. Wbu?
I've let my mind wander the last couple of days
In the midst of the thoughts, I find I'm caught in a haze
Just this morning, I thought I hit rock bottom,
But I guess my brain cells are just acting what I taught 'em
I've been the worst influence on my own head
And it's been easy to tell myself that I'm already dead
Just last night I told that to a friend
And they claimed my pain marks that it's not my end
I told them that you're dead in hell and can still feel hurt
The earth sure isn't heaven, because my joy doesn't work
In the midst of the thoughts, I find I'm caught in a haze
Just this morning, I thought I hit rock bottom,
But I guess my brain cells are just acting what I taught 'em
I've been the worst influence on my own head
And it's been easy to tell myself that I'm already dead
Just last night I told that to a friend
And they claimed my pain marks that it's not my end
I told them that you're dead in hell and can still feel hurt
The earth sure isn't heaven, because my joy doesn't work
Tuesday, November 1, 2016
This Post Serves as a Waste of Space, Like Me.
Swallow my heart along with my pride
I've made my mistakes, but it's hard to decide
Whether or not
To confront all my demons
They're so good at hiding, yeah, I cannot see them
Drown us In Disease
You can't Afford To leave
Take my faded breaths
Don't give in to death
You promised you'd stay, don't take back your word
You said I'd be with you, but now I'm not sure
Whether or not
You'd be here, by my side
Well now I've decided
I've made my mistakes, but it's hard to decide
Whether or not
To confront all my demons
They're so good at hiding, yeah, I cannot see them
Drown us In Disease
You can't Afford To leave
Take my faded breaths
Don't give in to death
You promised you'd stay, don't take back your word
You said I'd be with you, but now I'm not sure
Whether or not
You'd be here, by my side
Well now I've decided
Sunday, October 30, 2016
Discours d'acceptation
La fissure dans l'escalier je fumais de l'ennui. Ma cuisine est remplie avec de la viande et Cloroform. Tortiller couleurs, métastaser. Après avoir vu le monde, le fœtus mange ses propres yeux.
Loneliness (So it Goes)
I feel like all my friends are slowly leaving me.
Just one thing after another places a facade over what used to be my happiness.
Like see the world through rose colored lenses, but suddenly, realizing how many things are going wrong.
It's so hard to tell what's going right, because I'm no longer counting breathing as "right".
It gets harder every day.
I've taken those pills of sympathy others have fed me, but I think I'm about to throw them back up.
I'm disgusted at myself as I look in the mirror.
A face worthy of God turning from, no doubt.
But I digress.
I feel my fiends and I distract ourselves with various things in this world.
Getting closer to the future only brings me pain.
I used to fear the idea of going to a four year and getting a job,
However, I then realized that I was only trying to wish away the inevitable.
I'm losing my friends.
I know I am.
So is thinking about it only trying to wish away the inevitable?
I hope there's a point where if, by chance, everything is stripped from me,
My life follows;
Voiding my existence beyond reasonable means of explanation.
Your soul can never die, but a memory can.
Once ou leave your body, you live on in the memories of others,
But eventually they die.
Perhaps one die everyone who ever knew me will die, and I will no longer enter the minds of any individual.
Perhaps one day I won't even be a memory.
Just a theory; not even and idea, but a possibility.
I will be legend.
Not because people pass me down through story,
But that in which is changed throughout time.
Stripped beyond recognition.
You can replace every part of a car,
But after every part of the car is replaced,
The old car is no more.
So will I be in the future. (Give or take a hundred years or so, given I'm ever married)
I feel this is already happening, though.
I don't want knew friends.
I want my old ones back.
But each one I feel has talked to me less,
But at this point if they saw this and decided to talks to me,
I would feel less inclined to respond.
After all, I hate sympathy.
I spit it out like the Lord spits out lukewarm Christian nature.
We all die, so it goes.
Just one thing after another places a facade over what used to be my happiness.
Like see the world through rose colored lenses, but suddenly, realizing how many things are going wrong.
It's so hard to tell what's going right, because I'm no longer counting breathing as "right".
It gets harder every day.
I've taken those pills of sympathy others have fed me, but I think I'm about to throw them back up.
I'm disgusted at myself as I look in the mirror.
A face worthy of God turning from, no doubt.
But I digress.
I feel my fiends and I distract ourselves with various things in this world.
Getting closer to the future only brings me pain.
I used to fear the idea of going to a four year and getting a job,
However, I then realized that I was only trying to wish away the inevitable.
I'm losing my friends.
I know I am.
So is thinking about it only trying to wish away the inevitable?
I hope there's a point where if, by chance, everything is stripped from me,
My life follows;
Voiding my existence beyond reasonable means of explanation.
Your soul can never die, but a memory can.
Once ou leave your body, you live on in the memories of others,
But eventually they die.
Perhaps one die everyone who ever knew me will die, and I will no longer enter the minds of any individual.
Perhaps one day I won't even be a memory.
Just a theory; not even and idea, but a possibility.
I will be legend.
Not because people pass me down through story,
But that in which is changed throughout time.
Stripped beyond recognition.
You can replace every part of a car,
But after every part of the car is replaced,
The old car is no more.
So will I be in the future. (Give or take a hundred years or so, given I'm ever married)
I feel this is already happening, though.
I don't want knew friends.
I want my old ones back.
But each one I feel has talked to me less,
But at this point if they saw this and decided to talks to me,
I would feel less inclined to respond.
After all, I hate sympathy.
I spit it out like the Lord spits out lukewarm Christian nature.
We all die, so it goes.
Friday, October 28, 2016
Unturtled
Ther ernd.
Thursday, October 20, 2016
Fear
Anyone want to guess my deepest fear?
I'll let you know if you get it right.
But honestly it might keep me from sleeping at night.
Give it a shot,
And give me a shout.
I'll tell you what my fear is all about.
I'll let you know if you get it right.
But honestly it might keep me from sleeping at night.
Give it a shot,
And give me a shout.
I'll tell you what my fear is all about.
Monday, October 10, 2016
Reckless Abandon
Not what it actually means.
I feel like I'm going nowhere fast, with no direction, though.
I'm spinning out, just waiting for the crash,
But I feel like the impact already happened.
Time is just frozen, so it repeats itself because it can't and won't go forward.
I'm stuck recalling my crash.
Forced to live in the fear of what happens when i resume and feel the aftermath.
I've crashed many times before, but I don't know when I'll go through the windshield.
My car has no seat belts.
Abandoned is the other half.
Not God forsaken, of course,
But I feel like I have a lack of friends.
(The irony coming from an introvert)
I guess my logic of having so little, but strong friends is flawed,
Because I never deduced what happens when I lose them,
Or worse: they lose me.
I'm starting to resent the shell of me.
I feel like I'm going nowhere fast, with no direction, though.
I'm spinning out, just waiting for the crash,
But I feel like the impact already happened.
Time is just frozen, so it repeats itself because it can't and won't go forward.
I'm stuck recalling my crash.
Forced to live in the fear of what happens when i resume and feel the aftermath.
I've crashed many times before, but I don't know when I'll go through the windshield.
My car has no seat belts.
Abandoned is the other half.
Not God forsaken, of course,
But I feel like I have a lack of friends.
(The irony coming from an introvert)
I guess my logic of having so little, but strong friends is flawed,
Because I never deduced what happens when I lose them,
Or worse: they lose me.
I'm starting to resent the shell of me.
Monday, October 3, 2016
Red Tatoos
Someone please tell me why I trust a blade to make me bleed,
Yet, I can't trust myself to wake up in the morning fine.
Much less, alive.
I can say sorry all I want,
But that can't distract from the inflicted realities
Rivaling my very personality.
Change change change change change change change.
You could be ______. ***
You should be ______. ***
Why do you ______? ***
You should try ______. ***
You'd be a better person if _______. ***
You should focus on _______. ***
Two be honest I lose count to where it doesn't matter.
That's not the defining point.
I'm in war. Everyday.
Everyday is a struggle.
It's a nuisance to wake up.
I've been so sleep deprived I'm not me anymore.
I'm ready die and let [my legacy, however small] live.
"You say this is a suicide?
I say, this is a WAR.
(And I'm losing the battle)
Man down... MAN DOWN!"
Yet, I can't trust myself to wake up in the morning fine.
Much less, alive.
I can say sorry all I want,
But that can't distract from the inflicted realities
Rivaling my very personality.
Change change change change change change change.
You could be ______. ***
You should be ______. ***
Why do you ______? ***
You should try ______. ***
You'd be a better person if _______. ***
You should focus on _______. ***
Two be honest I lose count to where it doesn't matter.
That's not the defining point.
I'm in war. Everyday.
Everyday is a struggle.
It's a nuisance to wake up.
I've been so sleep deprived I'm not me anymore.
I'm ready die and let [my legacy, however small] live.
"You say this is a suicide?
I say, this is a WAR.
(And I'm losing the battle)
Man down... MAN DOWN!"
Friday, September 30, 2016
My Medical Romance
Beep... Beep... Beep... Beep...
The heart monitor beeped in its rythmical intervals.
It was the only thing breaking the silence between the coma patient and Tracy.
She flipped through the pages in her clipboard, sighing as she wrote down
the state of the patient.
"No... Change... In... Physical... Or mental... State... There. Done.", she wrote down her
analyzation under the notes section.
"Nurse Simmons", said Tracy's superior,
"When you're done here, please go replace the IV drop for Mr. Alexander."
"Sure thing.", Tracy responded as she finished writing her notes.
She walked down the hall to the cancer treatment center,
looking in each room as she passed, and halted at room 209 with the name "Alexander" under the room number.
She entered the room with a smile, and Mr. Alexander greeted her with a smile as well.
"And how are we feeling today Mr. Alexander?", asked Tracy.
"Please, call me Collin, and like I don't have cancer anymore!", he said jokingly still smiling.
"Funny, Mr. Ale-"
"Collin.", he added, stopping her midsentence.
"Collin", she smiled again,
"Unfortunately, no. We will have to continue your luekemia treatment going.".
His smile slowly turned in into a frown, but quickly redirected into a grin.
"Right. So how was your day?", Collin asked,
"Nothing special, thank you for asking.", the nurse said checking his charts.
"Nothing special?". He pretended to flip his non-existent hair. "Really?", he then said winking.
She laughed rolling her eyes and the room went silent as she wrote something on the clipboard.
He stopped smiling for what seemed like a good 60 seconds before he asked her,
"How long before I can leave,Tracy?".
She frowned.
"Hard to say. Cancer is unpredictable. However, I'm sure you'll be fine.", she said trying to avoid painful eye contact.
"You've been my nurse for years, and I greatly appreciate that, but you are terrible at lying!", he said chuckling.
She looked up, shrugged and grabbed an IV bag to replace the near empty one beside his hospital bed.
He interrupted the silence. "Would you go out with me?".
She what she was doing frozen in place for a few seconds, the said,
"Collin. You know you're hospitalized, right?". She continued to replace the bag.
"I'm talking about after I'm out of this God forsaken bed.
You said you were confident that I'll be fine.", he said looking at her somewhat sarcastically.
She paused for a moment to ponder the question.
"I'll consider it.", she told him as she made a playful smirk.
He leaned back onto his pillow smiling. "Alright.... Allllright...".
"My gosh... That's so... Cheesy. Very stereotypical", said Tracy's friend said in between her bites of spaghetti.
Tracy giggled a little bit as well. "What do you mean by that, Sarah?"
"Think about it", Sarah said leaning across the table to get closer to Tracy,
"You have the terminally ill patient, the attractive nurse, they're both in love!"
"Uh, hello!? I need said I was 'in love'...", Tracy said in desperate attempt to prevent herself from becoming a stereotype.
"Besides, that IS coming from the girl who once had three dates in one week."
"In my defense, one of them said they had to cancel, and called back last minute", said Sarah,
"That's besides the point, though. You know how emotionally attached I CAN get if I think it's the right guy."
Tracy couldn't help laughing. "You think every guy is the 'right' guy!"
Sarah squinted her eyes and glared disdainfully at Tracy.
"Tracy, Hun, you love him. You talk about Collin almost every time I ask how work was."
"What do you think love is, then, Sarah?", replied Tracy.
"Well...", Sarah said thinking hat for a moment, "Love is pationate. It has no limits. It's unconditional. Love... Love is spending your life with someone, knowing you're perfect for each other. You're each other's counterpart. Love... Love is watching someone die.", Sarah said.
There was a long hesitation between the two friends.
"Now THAT was cheesy.", said Tracy holding back laughter.
Sarah shrugged. "It's true. Take my word for it, or not."
After their long conversation, they both finished dinner and parted ways.
[ONE WEEK LATER]
Collin sat up excitedly in his bed when he heard the door open to his room.
To his dismay, it wasn't Tracy Simmons.
"If you don't mind me asking, where's Nurse Tracy?"
The Nurse looked at him and said, "Oh, she left on her vacation. Don't worry, she'll be back in about
three weeks. Until then, I'll be your nurse!", she said with a toothy smile.
"Ok... Thanks...", answered Collin with disappointment in his eyes.
Tracy stretched out on the white sand to bathe in the sun. She sipped from her piña coloda
As she stared out at the vast blue stretching as far as the eye can see.
It almost seemed too perfect.
"Mind if I join you?", said a distant English accent.
She turned to see a rather attractive man with short blonde hair walking the shoreline.
"Not at all!", said Tracy, as she readjusted her seating position.
He sat down beside her with one leg extended, and the other bent so he could rest his arm on his knee. "Magnificent view.", said the man.
Her response was delayed for a second as she looked him down.
"Oh! Oh yes, it's a lovely view. Sorry."
"Haha, it's alright.", said the stranger.
There was a pause for a brief moment, before the English man said,
"You should've stayed with him."
"Excuse me?", answered Tracy wildly confused.
"You should've stayed with Collin Alexander. He's was the one.", he replied.
She got up to leave, moved by the conversation at hand.
"I'm sorry... I just-... I have to go...", Tracy said.
"Just sleep... The hardest part... Is letting go of your dreams.", said the man.
"Wake up.", said he.
Tracy Simmons woke up frightened in her suite.
Gasping for air, she noticed her phone buzzing rythmically beside her.
"Hello?", she said picking up the phone.
After about 90 seconds, she hung up the phone, packers her things, and headed out to catch the next available flight back to her city.
She walked up to room 409, staring at the name Alexander on the door.
The replacement nurse walked out of the room.
"I know you've worked with him for several years. In sorry, it's not looking good.", said the nurse.
At that, Tracy walked in to see weak looking Collin laying horizontally in his bed.
"It's abou time!", he said weakly, but still smiling.
She silently walked over to grab his chart, only to find that the cancer had infected his liver, and there was no surgery or medicine to cope with it.
"I'm fine, thanks for ask!", he said laughing, and then starting to cough.She looked up and said,
"It took sacrificing and weird dreams to see it, but there's something attractive about you.
You asked me if I would date you after you got out... The answer is yes! Of course I will. So please just... Stay alive... Stay alive for me...", said Tracy holding back tears.
"Glad to see we're on the same page, but remember? You said cancer is unpredictable.",
He coughed and then looked at her with pleading eyes.
"It's ok. This has to happen. The other nurse and Doctor Guilbert says I don't have but a few hours.
Better make them count I guess.".
"I wish we could've had time...", Sarah remarked through tears.
"Don't cry, Trace. It was inevitable. There was nothing you could do about it, but I have to say, I'm extremely happy to have met such a beautiful and kind nurse, such as you.", he eresponder.
She rushed overtime him.
Everything in her body screamed acheing to give him a final kiss before his departure to the afterlife, however, he quickly put his hand up to say no.
Tracy looked at home with confusion and distraught.
"Turn away. If you could get me a drink of water 'cause my lips are chapped and faded." Collin said, faintly.
She handed him a glass of water, and he continued to talk.
Call my Aunt Marie, please... Help her gather all my things. Tell her to burry me in all my favorite colors. Have my sisters and my brothers come, please."
"Please, Collin..", said Tracy as she tried once again to come kiss him.
Once again, he rejected the opportunity, continuing what he was saying.
"Still, I will no kiss you. Because the hardest part of this is leaving you. No turn away, please. I'm awful just to see... All my hairs abandoned all my body..", he said staring blankly forward.
Olin winced as a sharp pain shot up his body.
"Oh! My agony...", he moaned in pain.
"Collin... Don't give up faith... You'll get better, I'll know it! Just hang on for me!", she said almost yelling.
"Know that I will never marry, Tracy!", he yelled back.
"... I'm sorry... I'm just soggy for the chemo... I'm counting down the days to go... I told ou I wanted out... This just ain't living.", he said.
"I'm telling you, pull be ok, just give a chance to work things out. We'll find someone to help you, I promise!", she cried.
"I just hope you know that if you say goodbye today, I'll ask you to be true. Because I know I've said it before, but I'll say it again. The hardest part of this is leaving you.", he said closing his eyes for a moment and reopening them with the rest of his body motionless.
"Collin...", she said.
"Collin?... Collin? COLLIN!". She was petrified by the aitation.
The heart rate monitor had stopped beeping normally and had slowed down to almost nothing at that moment.
She called other nurses in, but unfortunately, it appeared to be too late. He was gone.
"Time of death... 6:38", delicates Doctor Guilbert.
Tracy stood around the coffin as it was lowered into the pit in the ground. She felt like her eyes were dry from crying for so long. She listened to the words the family members and friends wanted to say and she was eventually the only one left at the grave. When she was the only one left and whispered to him from the grave.
"Can you hear me?... Are you with me?... Can we pretend to leave and then, both our worlds collide?", she said weeping at the grave. After about an hour of mourning the death of her beloved, she left home with one phrase:
"So long, and goodnight."
The heart monitor beeped in its rythmical intervals.
It was the only thing breaking the silence between the coma patient and Tracy.
She flipped through the pages in her clipboard, sighing as she wrote down
the state of the patient.
"No... Change... In... Physical... Or mental... State... There. Done.", she wrote down her
analyzation under the notes section.
"Nurse Simmons", said Tracy's superior,
"When you're done here, please go replace the IV drop for Mr. Alexander."
"Sure thing.", Tracy responded as she finished writing her notes.
She walked down the hall to the cancer treatment center,
looking in each room as she passed, and halted at room 209 with the name "Alexander" under the room number.
She entered the room with a smile, and Mr. Alexander greeted her with a smile as well.
"And how are we feeling today Mr. Alexander?", asked Tracy.
"Please, call me Collin, and like I don't have cancer anymore!", he said jokingly still smiling.
"Funny, Mr. Ale-"
"Collin.", he added, stopping her midsentence.
"Collin", she smiled again,
"Unfortunately, no. We will have to continue your luekemia treatment going.".
His smile slowly turned in into a frown, but quickly redirected into a grin.
"Right. So how was your day?", Collin asked,
"Nothing special, thank you for asking.", the nurse said checking his charts.
"Nothing special?". He pretended to flip his non-existent hair. "Really?", he then said winking.
She laughed rolling her eyes and the room went silent as she wrote something on the clipboard.
He stopped smiling for what seemed like a good 60 seconds before he asked her,
"How long before I can leave,Tracy?".
She frowned.
"Hard to say. Cancer is unpredictable. However, I'm sure you'll be fine.", she said trying to avoid painful eye contact.
"You've been my nurse for years, and I greatly appreciate that, but you are terrible at lying!", he said chuckling.
She looked up, shrugged and grabbed an IV bag to replace the near empty one beside his hospital bed.
He interrupted the silence. "Would you go out with me?".
She what she was doing frozen in place for a few seconds, the said,
"Collin. You know you're hospitalized, right?". She continued to replace the bag.
"I'm talking about after I'm out of this God forsaken bed.
You said you were confident that I'll be fine.", he said looking at her somewhat sarcastically.
She paused for a moment to ponder the question.
"I'll consider it.", she told him as she made a playful smirk.
He leaned back onto his pillow smiling. "Alright.... Allllright...".
"My gosh... That's so... Cheesy. Very stereotypical", said Tracy's friend said in between her bites of spaghetti.
Tracy giggled a little bit as well. "What do you mean by that, Sarah?"
"Think about it", Sarah said leaning across the table to get closer to Tracy,
"You have the terminally ill patient, the attractive nurse, they're both in love!"
"Uh, hello!? I need said I was 'in love'...", Tracy said in desperate attempt to prevent herself from becoming a stereotype.
"Besides, that IS coming from the girl who once had three dates in one week."
"In my defense, one of them said they had to cancel, and called back last minute", said Sarah,
"That's besides the point, though. You know how emotionally attached I CAN get if I think it's the right guy."
Tracy couldn't help laughing. "You think every guy is the 'right' guy!"
Sarah squinted her eyes and glared disdainfully at Tracy.
"Tracy, Hun, you love him. You talk about Collin almost every time I ask how work was."
"What do you think love is, then, Sarah?", replied Tracy.
"Well...", Sarah said thinking hat for a moment, "Love is pationate. It has no limits. It's unconditional. Love... Love is spending your life with someone, knowing you're perfect for each other. You're each other's counterpart. Love... Love is watching someone die.", Sarah said.
There was a long hesitation between the two friends.
"Now THAT was cheesy.", said Tracy holding back laughter.
Sarah shrugged. "It's true. Take my word for it, or not."
After their long conversation, they both finished dinner and parted ways.
[ONE WEEK LATER]
Collin sat up excitedly in his bed when he heard the door open to his room.
To his dismay, it wasn't Tracy Simmons.
"If you don't mind me asking, where's Nurse Tracy?"
The Nurse looked at him and said, "Oh, she left on her vacation. Don't worry, she'll be back in about
three weeks. Until then, I'll be your nurse!", she said with a toothy smile.
"Ok... Thanks...", answered Collin with disappointment in his eyes.
Tracy stretched out on the white sand to bathe in the sun. She sipped from her piña coloda
As she stared out at the vast blue stretching as far as the eye can see.
It almost seemed too perfect.
"Mind if I join you?", said a distant English accent.
She turned to see a rather attractive man with short blonde hair walking the shoreline.
"Not at all!", said Tracy, as she readjusted her seating position.
He sat down beside her with one leg extended, and the other bent so he could rest his arm on his knee. "Magnificent view.", said the man.
Her response was delayed for a second as she looked him down.
"Oh! Oh yes, it's a lovely view. Sorry."
"Haha, it's alright.", said the stranger.
There was a pause for a brief moment, before the English man said,
"You should've stayed with him."
"Excuse me?", answered Tracy wildly confused.
"You should've stayed with Collin Alexander. He's was the one.", he replied.
She got up to leave, moved by the conversation at hand.
"I'm sorry... I just-... I have to go...", Tracy said.
"Just sleep... The hardest part... Is letting go of your dreams.", said the man.
"Wake up.", said he.
Tracy Simmons woke up frightened in her suite.
Gasping for air, she noticed her phone buzzing rythmically beside her.
"Hello?", she said picking up the phone.
After about 90 seconds, she hung up the phone, packers her things, and headed out to catch the next available flight back to her city.
She walked up to room 409, staring at the name Alexander on the door.
The replacement nurse walked out of the room.
"I know you've worked with him for several years. In sorry, it's not looking good.", said the nurse.
At that, Tracy walked in to see weak looking Collin laying horizontally in his bed.
"It's abou time!", he said weakly, but still smiling.
She silently walked over to grab his chart, only to find that the cancer had infected his liver, and there was no surgery or medicine to cope with it.
"I'm fine, thanks for ask!", he said laughing, and then starting to cough.She looked up and said,
"It took sacrificing and weird dreams to see it, but there's something attractive about you.
You asked me if I would date you after you got out... The answer is yes! Of course I will. So please just... Stay alive... Stay alive for me...", said Tracy holding back tears.
"Glad to see we're on the same page, but remember? You said cancer is unpredictable.",
He coughed and then looked at her with pleading eyes.
"It's ok. This has to happen. The other nurse and Doctor Guilbert says I don't have but a few hours.
Better make them count I guess.".
"I wish we could've had time...", Sarah remarked through tears.
"Don't cry, Trace. It was inevitable. There was nothing you could do about it, but I have to say, I'm extremely happy to have met such a beautiful and kind nurse, such as you.", he eresponder.
She rushed overtime him.
Everything in her body screamed acheing to give him a final kiss before his departure to the afterlife, however, he quickly put his hand up to say no.
Tracy looked at home with confusion and distraught.
"Turn away. If you could get me a drink of water 'cause my lips are chapped and faded." Collin said, faintly.
She handed him a glass of water, and he continued to talk.
Call my Aunt Marie, please... Help her gather all my things. Tell her to burry me in all my favorite colors. Have my sisters and my brothers come, please."
"Please, Collin..", said Tracy as she tried once again to come kiss him.
Once again, he rejected the opportunity, continuing what he was saying.
"Still, I will no kiss you. Because the hardest part of this is leaving you. No turn away, please. I'm awful just to see... All my hairs abandoned all my body..", he said staring blankly forward.
Olin winced as a sharp pain shot up his body.
"Oh! My agony...", he moaned in pain.
"Collin... Don't give up faith... You'll get better, I'll know it! Just hang on for me!", she said almost yelling.
"Know that I will never marry, Tracy!", he yelled back.
"... I'm sorry... I'm just soggy for the chemo... I'm counting down the days to go... I told ou I wanted out... This just ain't living.", he said.
"I'm telling you, pull be ok, just give a chance to work things out. We'll find someone to help you, I promise!", she cried.
"I just hope you know that if you say goodbye today, I'll ask you to be true. Because I know I've said it before, but I'll say it again. The hardest part of this is leaving you.", he said closing his eyes for a moment and reopening them with the rest of his body motionless.
"Collin...", she said.
"Collin?... Collin? COLLIN!". She was petrified by the aitation.
The heart rate monitor had stopped beeping normally and had slowed down to almost nothing at that moment.
She called other nurses in, but unfortunately, it appeared to be too late. He was gone.
"Time of death... 6:38", delicates Doctor Guilbert.
Tracy stood around the coffin as it was lowered into the pit in the ground. She felt like her eyes were dry from crying for so long. She listened to the words the family members and friends wanted to say and she was eventually the only one left at the grave. When she was the only one left and whispered to him from the grave.
"Can you hear me?... Are you with me?... Can we pretend to leave and then, both our worlds collide?", she said weeping at the grave. After about an hour of mourning the death of her beloved, she left home with one phrase:
"So long, and goodnight."
Thursday, September 29, 2016
Lyrics of the Day #21
"It was the last time I saw her alive
Sometimes you do things
Sometimes you do things
you need to do to survive
Oh please, don't leave me now
I'll miss you so much
Oh please, don't go away
I'm needing your touch,
I'll miss you so much
Oh please, don't go away
I'm needing your touch,
but please don't leave me now
Baby, please don't go away"- Emily (Rough Mix) by My Chemical Romance
Baby, please don't go away"- Emily (Rough Mix) by My Chemical Romance
It's Okay. I was Dead Already.
I've loved the music you showed me so much,
Yet, now everytime I hear it I can't help but think what I've lost.
Worst part is, sometimes when I'm depressed I'll even go back to it.
When I listen to it then, it truly only makes me hurt worse.
Right now I'm not sure whether in writing for therapy,
Or if I'm signing my own epitaph.
There's so many things on my mind,
And it's get harder to organize my thoughts.
Once more I turn on a song that you shared,
And once again, I feel the pain.
I feel like I've lost it all, but
Despite all of my blessings,
There are just things that aren't worth having without other things.
I would sacrifice material things for real things.
I feel like I'm missing so much.
I'll joke about depression, being emo, cutting, etc.
But I'm wondering if that's not my subconscious yearning for death.
The worst part of waking up at 3:30am isn't that I'll be tired,
It's that while I'm tired, I'll watch the empty streets.
It'll remind me of how empty I feel.
Reminds me of loss.
And then I start counting the bumps on the ceiling, again.
Why am I not surprised anymore, though?
It almost seems natural, because INTJ's aren't happy
Unless they're miserable, says the world.
Normally I would try to run up against that label,
But I think they may be right this time.
It's not really happy though,
It's more like... Negative neutral.
Whatever it is, it's worse than "okay".
I'm Not Okay (I Promise)
Yet, now everytime I hear it I can't help but think what I've lost.
Worst part is, sometimes when I'm depressed I'll even go back to it.
When I listen to it then, it truly only makes me hurt worse.
Right now I'm not sure whether in writing for therapy,
Or if I'm signing my own epitaph.
There's so many things on my mind,
And it's get harder to organize my thoughts.
Once more I turn on a song that you shared,
And once again, I feel the pain.
I feel like I've lost it all, but
Despite all of my blessings,
There are just things that aren't worth having without other things.
I would sacrifice material things for real things.
I feel like I'm missing so much.
I'll joke about depression, being emo, cutting, etc.
But I'm wondering if that's not my subconscious yearning for death.
The worst part of waking up at 3:30am isn't that I'll be tired,
It's that while I'm tired, I'll watch the empty streets.
It'll remind me of how empty I feel.
Reminds me of loss.
And then I start counting the bumps on the ceiling, again.
Why am I not surprised anymore, though?
It almost seems natural, because INTJ's aren't happy
Unless they're miserable, says the world.
Normally I would try to run up against that label,
But I think they may be right this time.
It's not really happy though,
It's more like... Negative neutral.
Whatever it is, it's worse than "okay".
I'm Not Okay (I Promise)
Tuesday, September 27, 2016
Lyrics of the Day #20
"If only sorrow could build a staircase, our tears could show the way.
I would climb my way to heaven, and bring him back home again.
Don't give up hope, my friend, this is not the end.
We stare at broken clocks, the hands don't turn anymore.
The days turn into nights, empty hearts and empty places.
The day you lost him, I slowly lost you too.
For when he died, he took a part of you."- Suicide season by Bring Me the Horizon
I would climb my way to heaven, and bring him back home again.
Don't give up hope, my friend, this is not the end.
We stare at broken clocks, the hands don't turn anymore.
The days turn into nights, empty hearts and empty places.
The day you lost him, I slowly lost you too.
For when he died, he took a part of you."- Suicide season by Bring Me the Horizon
Monday, September 26, 2016
Bay Watch
They say write with conviction
Whether fact or fiction.
I'm drowning in my own mind
And my lifeguard, I swear he's sleeping.
Because every time I reach the surface,
I only hear my own cries for help, like a wounded animal.
It's bound to drawn in the predator.
I know what the predator looks like though, because I've looked in my mirror.
I've seen my reflection. The Entity staring right back through the glass.
No amount of tiptoeing or whispering will suppress the noise I make as I splash.
A splash that made no sound because nobody was around to hear it.
Yet, the ripple effect some how reached all my demons, like radio waves.
They picked up my signal and are tracking me as we speak.
They said to write with conviction,
So I wrote about affliction.
Whether fact or fiction.
I'm drowning in my own mind
And my lifeguard, I swear he's sleeping.
Because every time I reach the surface,
I only hear my own cries for help, like a wounded animal.
It's bound to drawn in the predator.
I know what the predator looks like though, because I've looked in my mirror.
I've seen my reflection. The Entity staring right back through the glass.
No amount of tiptoeing or whispering will suppress the noise I make as I splash.
A splash that made no sound because nobody was around to hear it.
Yet, the ripple effect some how reached all my demons, like radio waves.
They picked up my signal and are tracking me as we speak.
They said to write with conviction,
So I wrote about affliction.
Sunday, September 25, 2016
Røøm to Imprøve
I wish I had a better use for the words I write.
So many artists perfectly put their words into a song. They make so much sense where they're coming from, and their specific meanings shed light.. I wish I had that kind of creativity.
Their sense of purpose always seems so much greater, and then, I wish I could prove my points.
I wish I could say the right things, and focus on the right picture.
Words in a song just aren't enough to get my point across.
I'm in dire need of direction. I need to translate what I mean.
They way I use my words are useless to me. These artists put them to good use.
I'm starting to get repetitive, I know, but lyrics are everything to me.
Lyrics and music tell a story that you cant put in to words, and I have the hardest time writing that picture, painting that story. I hope one day I'll be able to write that well...
So many artists perfectly put their words into a song. They make so much sense where they're coming from, and their specific meanings shed light.. I wish I had that kind of creativity.
Their sense of purpose always seems so much greater, and then, I wish I could prove my points.
I wish I could say the right things, and focus on the right picture.
Words in a song just aren't enough to get my point across.
I'm in dire need of direction. I need to translate what I mean.
They way I use my words are useless to me. These artists put them to good use.
I'm starting to get repetitive, I know, but lyrics are everything to me.
Lyrics and music tell a story that you cant put in to words, and I have the hardest time writing that picture, painting that story. I hope one day I'll be able to write that well...
Friday, September 23, 2016
I Cannot Thank You Enough
There are no words to express my gratitude. By writing your music, and playing it, it has impacted me more than the world could ever know. I speak for all the fans when I say thank you for helping us get through those hard times. In It's Not a Fashion Statement, It's a Deathwish, you swore that you'd do to us what we did to you. You said you'd give us a lifetime, and you sure as hell have upheld that promise, because your music has helped be my crutch for a long time. Gerard, Mikey, Frank, Ray, and Bob, I cannot thank you enough, especially for the Black Parade album. You guys are amazing and all your fans miss you more than words can say.
Nick Prda
Thursday, September 8, 2016
WWII Letter
My Dearest Valentine,
Not a single day passes by, in which I do not dream of your company. I long for another kiss, another touch. The war treats us the worst it can. Every night I lay dormant, but not asleep, for I can here the planes soaring above, as we hide for our dear lives. You are the last thing I hold onto, because, darling, reality is so far for comfort. We'd all agree that sleep is too close for comfort, anyway. It seems that nothing else matters. I swear that every puddle of water, every brass casing from our bullets, every knife... I se your reflection dearest. But alas, the torment does not stop there. In the midst of war, I swear I see you. Like my dreams, sometimes I fight the urge to chase after you. I am told I must focus on the task at hand. Remember that the reason I can to this place was to keep you safe. You tol me before I left, that any man or boy could have taken my place, but no man will ever take the place of your protected as long as I'm alive. Above all else, remember that I love you. I lack to resources and the time to keep writing, but I will always be with you in your heart. I will see you soon. I count every second away from you. We'll get married as soon as I get back. I miss you.
Yours truly,
Mason Woodruff
Mason Woodruff
Age: 18
DOB: January 10, 1924
Enlist Date: January 23, 1942
Rank: Private
Ms. Valentine Gardener,
After studying our records on previous whereabouts, I must regretfully inform you that Private Andrew Mason, nor his platoon have checked in at their Rendez vous point. I must therefore, by the evidence of the United States Army, declare Mr. Mason
K.I.A.
Our condolences go out to you Ms. Valentine. Your fiancé with forever be honored as a hero, and will be known by the citizens of the United States for making his sacrifice to aid the Union it their attempts to keep our homeland safe.
Sincerely,
Gen. Geroge S. Patton
Not a single day passes by, in which I do not dream of your company. I long for another kiss, another touch. The war treats us the worst it can. Every night I lay dormant, but not asleep, for I can here the planes soaring above, as we hide for our dear lives. You are the last thing I hold onto, because, darling, reality is so far for comfort. We'd all agree that sleep is too close for comfort, anyway. It seems that nothing else matters. I swear that every puddle of water, every brass casing from our bullets, every knife... I se your reflection dearest. But alas, the torment does not stop there. In the midst of war, I swear I see you. Like my dreams, sometimes I fight the urge to chase after you. I am told I must focus on the task at hand. Remember that the reason I can to this place was to keep you safe. You tol me before I left, that any man or boy could have taken my place, but no man will ever take the place of your protected as long as I'm alive. Above all else, remember that I love you. I lack to resources and the time to keep writing, but I will always be with you in your heart. I will see you soon. I count every second away from you. We'll get married as soon as I get back. I miss you.
Yours truly,
Mason Woodruff
Mason Woodruff
Age: 18
DOB: January 10, 1924
Enlist Date: January 23, 1942
Rank: Private
Ms. Valentine Gardener,
After studying our records on previous whereabouts, I must regretfully inform you that Private Andrew Mason, nor his platoon have checked in at their Rendez vous point. I must therefore, by the evidence of the United States Army, declare Mr. Mason
K.I.A.
Our condolences go out to you Ms. Valentine. Your fiancé with forever be honored as a hero, and will be known by the citizens of the United States for making his sacrifice to aid the Union it their attempts to keep our homeland safe.
Sincerely,
Gen. Geroge S. Patton
Monday, September 5, 2016
Breach in My Armor
I felt every imperfection on the dull knife. I felt every imperfection making this world a million more times less appealing to stay in. A lack of beauty. The precise outlines of the mountains, or the waves crashing out against each other in the vast blue only serve the purpose of providing a place for my blood to flow. This temptation has haunted me for weeks since the last time we met. I reject sympathy. I reject company, even in the midst of my loneliness. Sometimes I have to bleed to know that I'm alive an have a soul. Other times I feel like a ghost, but not the only one. I see others flaunting their dull gray colors. Each color reflection the poison choking nearly every living ounce of their joy. It makes it o' so painful to crack that smile long enough to put out our facades and fool only the ones who subconsciously choose to be ignorant. They choose it when they wake up, and I don blame them one bit, because misery loves company. Living only seems like a death march now, while I march to my own drum, with my own gun pointed to my back. Because every second, EveryLetterHere is one more moment closer to my demise. My soul will carry on, but I'm so ready to leave this vessel, when the time comes.
Wednesday, August 17, 2016
What Do You See?
If my life was a mere ink blot, I wonder what they'd all see.
Right now, I have more problems than I can deal with at one time.
Fighting off one demon, while roughly 4 others take up the rear.
I hope I'm not rendered helpless, but the loneliness I feel, the pain...
It's overbearing.
I can't simply numb it mentally, because it is to much to sweep under the carpet.
Big enough to crowd my vision to where I see nothing else.
Quite simply small enough for outer people to either ignore, or miss all together.
I'm drowning in my own blood, it seems.
Though I do not write in ink, now, I have injected myself with the pen so that I may bleed lyrics and poems.
My cynical veiw tortures me like no other.
The predecessor, the one who once lived in my mind, has nearly vanished.
My joyful self, almost gone with the wind.
In the purgatory we call life, I await the day when my mind has endured enough.
The strain is great.
I grow weary.
I have been at this for some time now.
This life is hard to manage.
Right now, I have more problems than I can deal with at one time.
Fighting off one demon, while roughly 4 others take up the rear.
I hope I'm not rendered helpless, but the loneliness I feel, the pain...
It's overbearing.
I can't simply numb it mentally, because it is to much to sweep under the carpet.
Big enough to crowd my vision to where I see nothing else.
Quite simply small enough for outer people to either ignore, or miss all together.
I'm drowning in my own blood, it seems.
Though I do not write in ink, now, I have injected myself with the pen so that I may bleed lyrics and poems.
My cynical veiw tortures me like no other.
The predecessor, the one who once lived in my mind, has nearly vanished.
My joyful self, almost gone with the wind.
In the purgatory we call life, I await the day when my mind has endured enough.
The strain is great.
I grow weary.
I have been at this for some time now.
This life is hard to manage.
Monday, July 4, 2016
Consider the Outcome
I've contracted a headache
Half from natural cause, the other half from thinking too much.
So many things I could work up to, but when I consider the outcome for the long run,
I am discouraged, because the would all be in vain, and either way, would be empty.
Some things are not worth trying for.
I embrace that truth, because it often saves me from investing too much into one thing.
I won't give any examples, because it would leak insecurity quite vigorously.
Others may just make me vulnerable.
Others may relate to people I care about.
Not directly, of course, but in the end, the purpose of some tasks are to impress or interest others.
I often fabricate the outcomes in my head just to see the end.
It does save me...
Maybe I'm scared of trying...
Not because of the effort, but because of the time I'd lose...
Not to mention, all of the devotion to a particular thing...
Half from natural cause, the other half from thinking too much.
So many things I could work up to, but when I consider the outcome for the long run,
I am discouraged, because the would all be in vain, and either way, would be empty.
Some things are not worth trying for.
I embrace that truth, because it often saves me from investing too much into one thing.
I won't give any examples, because it would leak insecurity quite vigorously.
Others may just make me vulnerable.
Others may relate to people I care about.
Not directly, of course, but in the end, the purpose of some tasks are to impress or interest others.
I often fabricate the outcomes in my head just to see the end.
It does save me...
Maybe I'm scared of trying...
Not because of the effort, but because of the time I'd lose...
Not to mention, all of the devotion to a particular thing...
Tuesday, June 21, 2016
Where the Wild Things Are
Have any of you ever read the book "Where the Wild Things Are"?
I swear, it ruined my life.
The first time I read it was in 3rd grade, and it wasn't what the book said, by any means.
It was actually decently written, but the colors told a different story.
Now, I don't want to ruin anyone's childhood, however, the colors used in that book were so dreary, it took a toll on me.
Until that point, my life felt vibrant, and I saw the world with color, but when I read that book, the rest of my day and frankly my life/childhood was very drab.
From then on, all I saw was gray. The world was dark to me. There were no other colors that were bright, and I don't know if it's just me, or maybe it was my innocence, I don't know. Something left me that day, and that was my first taste of what depression was like.
I wish I could travel back in time to stop me from reading it. Maybe time would be all I was buying, but either way, I feel like I would've somehow had more hope and joy.
Maybe it's just me, but man, that sucked. Sucked the life right out of me.
I swear, it ruined my life.
The first time I read it was in 3rd grade, and it wasn't what the book said, by any means.
It was actually decently written, but the colors told a different story.
Now, I don't want to ruin anyone's childhood, however, the colors used in that book were so dreary, it took a toll on me.
Until that point, my life felt vibrant, and I saw the world with color, but when I read that book, the rest of my day and frankly my life/childhood was very drab.
From then on, all I saw was gray. The world was dark to me. There were no other colors that were bright, and I don't know if it's just me, or maybe it was my innocence, I don't know. Something left me that day, and that was my first taste of what depression was like.
I wish I could travel back in time to stop me from reading it. Maybe time would be all I was buying, but either way, I feel like I would've somehow had more hope and joy.
Maybe it's just me, but man, that sucked. Sucked the life right out of me.
Saturday, May 7, 2016
Is Honesty the Best Policy?
In all honesty, those voices in my head telling me to End it all are pretty convincing debaters. I really hope they don't get the upper hand at this point, but I'm tired of trying. My mask of lies has done quite the work hiding my feelings too. Frankly, I don't really care anymore. This is getting to hard to take in. Soak in. Stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop... So many people against me, it seems. Don't try to convince me otherwise. Don't contact me either. I don't want sympathy, I don't want reassurance, and I sure as hell don't want to go back to counseling.
Monday, April 25, 2016
Voices [EXPLICIT]
I know that if I share my laments, I will only be told, "Sorry, but you have a pretty good life".
Yes, of course I have a better life than a starving orphan or something, that doesn't mean life can't be a bitch sometimes. For gosh sakes, if it didn't, it wouldn't be life. I'd be living in a dream, not reality. I've had my fair share in the last couple of days. It get's tough. It's hard to cope sometimes. I'm stressed, but at the same time, I'm getting disappointed about a lot of things. Like it's hiding around corners of hope, waiting to pounce on me the moment I turn that corner.I don't even know anymore...
Yes, of course I have a better life than a starving orphan or something, that doesn't mean life can't be a bitch sometimes. For gosh sakes, if it didn't, it wouldn't be life. I'd be living in a dream, not reality. I've had my fair share in the last couple of days. It get's tough. It's hard to cope sometimes. I'm stressed, but at the same time, I'm getting disappointed about a lot of things. Like it's hiding around corners of hope, waiting to pounce on me the moment I turn that corner.I don't even know anymore...
Wednesday, April 20, 2016
Liebester Blog Award
Still don't know why the heck I was nominated for this... But I guess this will be fun? Here it goes.
1. What's your favorite movie, and why?
Mr. Nobody. Because it has Jared Leto in it, and because it is really thought provoking. It really reflects what goes on in my mind. I'm always thinking about the consequences of an action, always trying to determine the outcome.
2. If you could perform one song on stage for the rest of your life and that song only, what would it be?
Heaven Help Us by My Chemical Romance. I love Twenty One Pilots, however, I feel like this really exhibits the hopelessness I feel sometimes. I love the phrase, "The punchline to the joke is asking, someone save us!".
3. If you could pick one actor to play you in a movie about your life, who would it be?
Thomas Brody-Sangster. All the way. Plus he's English.
4. If you could live in any decade in history, not including the current one, what decade would it be?
Either the 50's, because let's be honest, greasers are legit. Or maybe some decade where I happen to be a great singer and I am famous with my bestie Joseph Arze.
5. If you could be one animal in the wild, what animal would you be?
Wolf. You have friends, and you basically kill things for fun.
6. If you could live in any city, what city would you live in, and why?
Some secluded city in Colorado or Alaska, but with my friends. I love the great outdoors, and I love mountains in general.
7. If you could rename yourself, what would you choose?
Wade. Because Deadpool is my spirit animal.
8. What's your favorite color, and why?
Black, it reflects my soul. Easy.
9. If you could live on one planet from starwars, what would it be?
Alderaan, because I hear it's beautiful this time of year.
10. When did you start writing?
I have no idea... Ever since I can remember, I have written stories as a kid. Not to mention all the creative writing classes I took.
11. What's your favorite poem?
Either "The Crickets have Arthritis" or "Atlantis" both by Shane Koyzcan. He's a great writer and narrator. Or maybe even Tyler Joseph's "Street Poetry". It is the same poetry that is in HeavyDirtySoul.
Ok... 11 facts... Lemme see...
1. I am a very emo person inside. If my subconscious was a person, nobody would feel comfortable around him except for other emos. He dresses in all black. Kinda creepy.
2. I listen to scream. Sue me. I think there is an art to it. If not, I'd be able to do it.
3. I used to be afraid of needles, but now they don't really scare me. Thanks to God.
4. I've gone hunting ever since I was 5, yet I've never killed anything bigger than a dove. Unless fish count.
5. I can't cry if I'm upset, I only become hysterical, but if I hear a good song or poem, I occasionally tear up.
6. I considered killing myself in 8th grade, because I was exposed to inappropriate language and profanity all at once. It overwhelmed me, but I'm still alive.
7. If I don't finish songs, I always scrap them and put them as poems on this blog. (Kinda wasteful)
8. I never REALLY wanted to be a lifeguard, but hey, it was easy, and it had pretty good pay. But I'm ok with it now, I like the people there.
9. I am nice to my dog, but I seriously hate him, because he gets into my trash, and it is super obnoxious. Love/hate relationship, I guess.
10. I actually really enjoy playing sports, but I hate going to practice, so I never do it anymore.
11. As fare as school goes, I was homeschooled, then private schooled, then homeschooled, then public schooled, then homeschooled again. So I've tried everything except no school, which is basically self-taught. I couldn't do that, because I would tell my mom that Assassin's Creed is teaching me history.
Well.... That's about it... I hope this helped someone... But now I nominate Ethan Grey.
Here is your questions, you strange human being:
1. What's your favorite movie, and why?
2. If you could perform one song on stage for the rest of your life and that song only, what would it be?
3. If you could pick one actor to play you in a movie about your life, who would it be?
4. If you could have any super-power, what would it be?
5. If you had to live without one body part, what would it be?
6. If you could live in any city, what city would you live in, and why?
7. If you could rename yourself, what would you choose?
8. What's your favorite color, and why?
9. If you could pick what you do for a living, and you'd get paid half a million dollars a year to do it, what would it be?
10. When did you start writing?
11. If you could have anything in the world (something materialistic), what would it be and why?
Tuesday, April 19, 2016
Don't Count the Bumps on the Ceiling...
I often wonder why we try...
Every day we get back up on our horses trying to ride life through
Even the "mask of lies" façade is starting to feel a bit clichéd
Sometimes I find myself asking whether or not the real reason why we haven't killed ourselves
Is just because we never had the guts to do it
I don't think its ever because we had too much to live for
Much less too much to die for
But the most of the time, the thing that drives us to a halt, is that we have people we can't die for
As if in our selfish moment of suicide, we know that we could set off a chain reaction
One after one, we'd all fall down
I was his best friend, he was mine, then his friends are affected by him
What is it that we're afraid to die for?
I often wonder what it looks like to live a life unbounded by the chains of society
Moving free toward the sun like some movie where the hero rides into the sunset
All is well and he starts his life over, his turmoil marking his new beginnings
But that cant happen, you see?
It just cant happen...
Do me a favor, and never count the bumps on the ceiling,
Because after you count far enough, you'll start to ponder life,
Most of the time looking for an answer,
And, friend, I've learned if you ever try to look for an answer
Or look in a mirror asking yourself the question "Why?"
You'll always lead back to depression
You'll always get lost in thought while your soul will die...
I'm sorry if that's over dramatic
It's just that I'm over-obsessed with the word "insanity".
It's as if our brains want to give up,
Our hands shaking, and our hearts are breaking
And it's not biological, you just get so caught up in your mind, that you'll again start to ask questions again,
Yet, this time, you don't resort to resentment,
You just stand there laughing hysterically, because there is nothing left to do,
But let the words flow down through you into your fingers, and through the pen
Like a drug, allowing us to get some kind of twitchy comfort
Deriving from the words you organize in your thoughts
Holding on to nostalgia like a dear friend hanging off a cliff,
But this time your friend isn't holding on anymore,
Instead, everyone plus the friend, is asking you, begging you
"Please let me go..."
I often wonder...
Why do we hold on to the past?
We knew it'd never last
Because if we live in that domain, we will be stricken with fear unable to carry on to the future
Friend...
If that mirror I talked about earlier reflected your soul
If all the reflections showed our true nature,
Would everyone we love abandon us?
Would we be left asking "Why?"?
For now...
If it makes any sense at all,
Like birds withhold their innocence,
We repeat the songs we sing
Because birds don't speak...
They sing...
The only judging they do is whether of not to mate with each other or not...
We aimlessly sing these songs,
And I believe that every time we sing a song, it goes somewhere
They were meant for someone,
I believe that every songwriter out there writes a song with the intentions to vent,
And whether or not they realize it,
They write for the purpose to finally be heard...
Some of us pray to God in attempts to be acknowledged
Like innocent baby birds waiting to be fed,
So we sing our songs, and they may not be beautiful,
But we will be heard...
God and these people will listen to our cry.
Because as we ask our questions "Why?",
We know that we live to write,
And to connect to the social atmosphere,
Just hoping that someone out there has the same exact feelings as us,
And that our words align with their thoughts,
The thoughts of those who choose not to write, or those who think they can't
We try to give them the same reason to live,
And although it may not be natural,
Like prosthetic limbs, our songs and prayers hold a place for them, at least for show
Just so they can "Keep Calm and Carry On"...
Even Superman can't fight his battles sometimes...
I look toward the horizon and I feel hope...
Not hope for tomorrow, just enough to convince myself and know that past that, there are others...
There are people out there who feel what I'm saying,
Who know what it's like to be alone, but with so many people around them to support them,
Because depression runs deep, and it feeds off of our deepest fears.
Every amateur knows that weeds have to be pulled from the roots, or they will just grow back
If weed killer worked, there would be no weeds
Taking pills for depression will only prolong the inevitable.
I'm not asking you to solve it all on your own,
We need companionship,
But pills won't help, trust me I've tried...
We're so self-destructive...
I often wonder...
Why do we put ourselves in situations that only make these so much worse for ourselves,
As if we think somewhere down this short line we call life,
There will be some kind of bed we can rest on along the way...
Let me save you time and tell you...
It doesn't get any easier...
Life sucks...
I know it's hard to be an optimist,
And I know people who try to be the optimist for others, including myself,
But sometimes, it is impossible to be a beacon of hope for people...
I have grown accustom to hatred for sympathy, but that's just me
Help is something we seek on this planet, but sometimes it is a hard thing to find,
If you find it too quick, I promise it either doesn't work,
Or it is only a stop for gas to fuel the long, long journey you have ahead of you in this short life
It will only seem short when you grow old, and you will finally be able to look in the mirror,
And we'll be so weary that we in fact can see ourselves the way we are,
We'll be that delusional, but we'll have the clarity we've all sought out to find in our minds
In this extended amount of small time we called existence
I just hope that that day I wake up and find I'm a little less worse off than I had imagined.
Promise me you'll never look in the mirror,
Promise me you'll never count the bumps on the ceiling.
Promise me, you'll do something.
Because when we're not busy,
We often wonder...
Every day we get back up on our horses trying to ride life through
Even the "mask of lies" façade is starting to feel a bit clichéd
Sometimes I find myself asking whether or not the real reason why we haven't killed ourselves
Is just because we never had the guts to do it
I don't think its ever because we had too much to live for
Much less too much to die for
But the most of the time, the thing that drives us to a halt, is that we have people we can't die for
As if in our selfish moment of suicide, we know that we could set off a chain reaction
One after one, we'd all fall down
I was his best friend, he was mine, then his friends are affected by him
What is it that we're afraid to die for?
I often wonder what it looks like to live a life unbounded by the chains of society
Moving free toward the sun like some movie where the hero rides into the sunset
All is well and he starts his life over, his turmoil marking his new beginnings
But that cant happen, you see?
It just cant happen...
Do me a favor, and never count the bumps on the ceiling,
Because after you count far enough, you'll start to ponder life,
Most of the time looking for an answer,
And, friend, I've learned if you ever try to look for an answer
Or look in a mirror asking yourself the question "Why?"
You'll always lead back to depression
You'll always get lost in thought while your soul will die...
I'm sorry if that's over dramatic
It's just that I'm over-obsessed with the word "insanity".
It's as if our brains want to give up,
Our hands shaking, and our hearts are breaking
And it's not biological, you just get so caught up in your mind, that you'll again start to ask questions again,
Yet, this time, you don't resort to resentment,
You just stand there laughing hysterically, because there is nothing left to do,
But let the words flow down through you into your fingers, and through the pen
Like a drug, allowing us to get some kind of twitchy comfort
Deriving from the words you organize in your thoughts
Holding on to nostalgia like a dear friend hanging off a cliff,
But this time your friend isn't holding on anymore,
Instead, everyone plus the friend, is asking you, begging you
"Please let me go..."
I often wonder...
Why do we hold on to the past?
We knew it'd never last
Because if we live in that domain, we will be stricken with fear unable to carry on to the future
Friend...
If that mirror I talked about earlier reflected your soul
If all the reflections showed our true nature,
Would everyone we love abandon us?
Would we be left asking "Why?"?
For now...
If it makes any sense at all,
Like birds withhold their innocence,
We repeat the songs we sing
Because birds don't speak...
They sing...
The only judging they do is whether of not to mate with each other or not...
We aimlessly sing these songs,
And I believe that every time we sing a song, it goes somewhere
They were meant for someone,
I believe that every songwriter out there writes a song with the intentions to vent,
And whether or not they realize it,
They write for the purpose to finally be heard...
Some of us pray to God in attempts to be acknowledged
Like innocent baby birds waiting to be fed,
So we sing our songs, and they may not be beautiful,
But we will be heard...
God and these people will listen to our cry.
Because as we ask our questions "Why?",
We know that we live to write,
And to connect to the social atmosphere,
Just hoping that someone out there has the same exact feelings as us,
And that our words align with their thoughts,
The thoughts of those who choose not to write, or those who think they can't
We try to give them the same reason to live,
And although it may not be natural,
Like prosthetic limbs, our songs and prayers hold a place for them, at least for show
Just so they can "Keep Calm and Carry On"...
Even Superman can't fight his battles sometimes...
I look toward the horizon and I feel hope...
Not hope for tomorrow, just enough to convince myself and know that past that, there are others...
There are people out there who feel what I'm saying,
Who know what it's like to be alone, but with so many people around them to support them,
Because depression runs deep, and it feeds off of our deepest fears.
Every amateur knows that weeds have to be pulled from the roots, or they will just grow back
If weed killer worked, there would be no weeds
Taking pills for depression will only prolong the inevitable.
I'm not asking you to solve it all on your own,
We need companionship,
But pills won't help, trust me I've tried...
We're so self-destructive...
I often wonder...
Why do we put ourselves in situations that only make these so much worse for ourselves,
As if we think somewhere down this short line we call life,
There will be some kind of bed we can rest on along the way...
Let me save you time and tell you...
It doesn't get any easier...
Life sucks...
I know it's hard to be an optimist,
And I know people who try to be the optimist for others, including myself,
But sometimes, it is impossible to be a beacon of hope for people...
I have grown accustom to hatred for sympathy, but that's just me
Help is something we seek on this planet, but sometimes it is a hard thing to find,
If you find it too quick, I promise it either doesn't work,
Or it is only a stop for gas to fuel the long, long journey you have ahead of you in this short life
It will only seem short when you grow old, and you will finally be able to look in the mirror,
And we'll be so weary that we in fact can see ourselves the way we are,
We'll be that delusional, but we'll have the clarity we've all sought out to find in our minds
In this extended amount of small time we called existence
I just hope that that day I wake up and find I'm a little less worse off than I had imagined.
Promise me you'll never look in the mirror,
Promise me you'll never count the bumps on the ceiling.
Promise me, you'll do something.
Because when we're not busy,
We often wonder...
Monday, April 18, 2016
Atlantis- Shane Koyczan [EXPLICIT]
Your entire body shakes you when laugh,
As if your sense of humour was built on a fault line
And the coast of your heart
As if your sense of humour was built on a fault line
And the coast of your heart
Falls into the ocean of yourself
And I'm left looking for this Atlantis.
Left looking for this place
That exists in the stories told by old men
Who were there when mathematics assured them.
Their willingness to believe
Was greater than their determination to dismiss
I'm left looking for Atlantis.
Regardless of the scientist that insists
My efforts would be better spent
Unearthing clues to where the wild things went.
Try as it might,
Faith can't put a dent fact.
So we must settle for science re-enact the world,
As if the universe was curled around this globe
And if we consider that the universe is never ending
Then we're not even a microbe.
We're like a death threat from a pacifist,
We're nothing.
But the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle states that:
"Nothing is fo' shizzle"
And the interesting thing about that
Is that it ensures that the principle itself can't even be a fact.
But we still act as though
This time we can see the forest through the trees.
Regardless of the soft wood lumber levies,
We fall in line like reforested pine.
It's all straight rows
Were everything grows a little less wild,
A little more humdrum,
Ho, hum.
We come from the mentality
That rarely sees the horror in symmetry
Or the beauty in non-conformity.
We insist that for us,
Everything must be clear cut.
But what about philosophy?
What about the tree that fell in the forest
That no one was around to hear?
It's a little less clear,
A little more deep.
Deep like,
If Oprah Winfrey farts in a bathtub
And no bubbles come to the surface,
Is there an alternate universe
Where the price of gas is cheap?
Possible,
But we can't prove it,
Any more than we can prove
That light can move fast enough
To stop a monster hiding in the closet.
We deposit our faith in fear
But clear our minds to the possibility that
Maybe we as adults,
Still get scared of the dark.
Things that go bump in the night.
And I can't prove that I've ever loved anyone,
But despite the smoking
And the overweight body
I want to grow old with you.
Go through muscle and joint pains
To the point that every time it rains
We can feel it in our knees.
Get arthritis so bad,
That every time we move
We sound like two bowls of Rice Krispies.
We're all "Snap, Crackle and pop"
But we still take the time to stop,
And take the time.
I'm looking for Atlantis.
Letting faith turn this fiction into fact
As if I tracked this missing continent for decades,
And all I know so far
Is that it is somewhere under water.
I'm looking for clues in the most blurry photos of UFOs
And thinking,
If alien are so smart,
Than why don't they start making their spaceships look like airplanes?
That way we'd just point to the sky and say:
"An airplane, how common place and not at all suspect."
We're all shipwrecked on this idea
That everything has to be explained.
But maybe we just need to believe
That lemmings jump off cliffs to prove that they love us.
And sure,
That sacrifice is as empty as the box of condoms
That politicians used when they thought they could fuck us.
But it is nice to believe that somebody up there
Cares enough to plummet onto jagged, back-breaking rocks
In an attempt to tells us,
We're beautiful.
Tell us that as far as life goes,
Our finger prints are like snowflakes.
We leave them on everything
But they melt in the time it takes to touch someone's tongue.
But if we're lucky,
Maybe we're remembered
Along with the sunken cities of a lost continent.
This is for each child
Who is a monument to the one's who came before.
Maybe the best we can hope for
Is that those we leave behind find comfort in knowing
That we're born out of love,
And not science.
That biology explains the how,
Love explains the why,
So in the event of our deaths
We hereby bequeath all of these words to you.
And they are only meant to say that
Uncertainty is something everyone goes through.
And there is not much in the way of proof
But believe me, we loved you.
We held our breaths for your first step,
Your first word.
We laughed when it finally occurred to you,
Lemons are sour.
This is for every time
Love becomes the finest minute and the darkest hour.
This if for those who scour the streets
Wondering where the wild things went.
For the believers who lent us their madness.
This is for everyone we miss.
And this is for the children who were lost.
Sadness is nothing more than the cost of being able to smile
Once in a while.
And grief is the trial we stand to offer evidence
That your finger prints were left on our hearts
And our skin,
And in terms of proof,
Love can be demonstrated in giving.
Our lives consist of the efforts we give
In swimming towards the lost continent
Where you are rumored to be living.
And I'm left looking for this Atlantis.
Left looking for this place
That exists in the stories told by old men
Who were there when mathematics assured them.
Their willingness to believe
Was greater than their determination to dismiss
I'm left looking for Atlantis.
Regardless of the scientist that insists
My efforts would be better spent
Unearthing clues to where the wild things went.
Try as it might,
Faith can't put a dent fact.
So we must settle for science re-enact the world,
As if the universe was curled around this globe
And if we consider that the universe is never ending
Then we're not even a microbe.
We're like a death threat from a pacifist,
We're nothing.
But the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle states that:
"Nothing is fo' shizzle"
And the interesting thing about that
Is that it ensures that the principle itself can't even be a fact.
But we still act as though
This time we can see the forest through the trees.
Regardless of the soft wood lumber levies,
We fall in line like reforested pine.
It's all straight rows
Were everything grows a little less wild,
A little more humdrum,
Ho, hum.
We come from the mentality
That rarely sees the horror in symmetry
Or the beauty in non-conformity.
We insist that for us,
Everything must be clear cut.
But what about philosophy?
What about the tree that fell in the forest
That no one was around to hear?
It's a little less clear,
A little more deep.
Deep like,
If Oprah Winfrey farts in a bathtub
And no bubbles come to the surface,
Is there an alternate universe
Where the price of gas is cheap?
Possible,
But we can't prove it,
Any more than we can prove
That light can move fast enough
To stop a monster hiding in the closet.
We deposit our faith in fear
But clear our minds to the possibility that
Maybe we as adults,
Still get scared of the dark.
Things that go bump in the night.
And I can't prove that I've ever loved anyone,
But despite the smoking
And the overweight body
I want to grow old with you.
Go through muscle and joint pains
To the point that every time it rains
We can feel it in our knees.
Get arthritis so bad,
That every time we move
We sound like two bowls of Rice Krispies.
We're all "Snap, Crackle and pop"
But we still take the time to stop,
And take the time.
I'm looking for Atlantis.
Letting faith turn this fiction into fact
As if I tracked this missing continent for decades,
And all I know so far
Is that it is somewhere under water.
I'm looking for clues in the most blurry photos of UFOs
And thinking,
If alien are so smart,
Than why don't they start making their spaceships look like airplanes?
That way we'd just point to the sky and say:
"An airplane, how common place and not at all suspect."
We're all shipwrecked on this idea
That everything has to be explained.
But maybe we just need to believe
That lemmings jump off cliffs to prove that they love us.
And sure,
That sacrifice is as empty as the box of condoms
That politicians used when they thought they could fuck us.
But it is nice to believe that somebody up there
Cares enough to plummet onto jagged, back-breaking rocks
In an attempt to tells us,
We're beautiful.
Tell us that as far as life goes,
Our finger prints are like snowflakes.
We leave them on everything
But they melt in the time it takes to touch someone's tongue.
But if we're lucky,
Maybe we're remembered
Along with the sunken cities of a lost continent.
This is for each child
Who is a monument to the one's who came before.
Maybe the best we can hope for
Is that those we leave behind find comfort in knowing
That we're born out of love,
And not science.
That biology explains the how,
Love explains the why,
So in the event of our deaths
We hereby bequeath all of these words to you.
And they are only meant to say that
Uncertainty is something everyone goes through.
And there is not much in the way of proof
But believe me, we loved you.
We held our breaths for your first step,
Your first word.
We laughed when it finally occurred to you,
Lemons are sour.
This is for every time
Love becomes the finest minute and the darkest hour.
This if for those who scour the streets
Wondering where the wild things went.
For the believers who lent us their madness.
This is for everyone we miss.
And this is for the children who were lost.
Sadness is nothing more than the cost of being able to smile
Once in a while.
And grief is the trial we stand to offer evidence
That your finger prints were left on our hearts
And our skin,
And in terms of proof,
Love can be demonstrated in giving.
Our lives consist of the efforts we give
In swimming towards the lost continent
Where you are rumored to be living.
Empty
No one can climb waterfalls,
We know that's insane.
But if logic drove us,
We may not have half a brain.
We attempt the impossible,
Which may even happen,
But in the end we are left with the question I'm askin'.
Is it worth it?
The risk or the time or the trial or the pain?
Either way I'm not sure I signed up for this game...
I feel empty, emotionless like I lack a care
Where are we going? Well, I'm not sure where.
I'm sure of nothing, if I am to be honest.
But then again, can you in a life of deadly comments?
They're denting our outsides, and although we hide it,
We have internal damage, so we try to just bide it.
Promise me friend, you won't run away,
Because we're all mad here, so I'll ask you:
Please, stay?
We know that's insane.
But if logic drove us,
We may not have half a brain.
We attempt the impossible,
Which may even happen,
But in the end we are left with the question I'm askin'.
Is it worth it?
The risk or the time or the trial or the pain?
Either way I'm not sure I signed up for this game...
I feel empty, emotionless like I lack a care
Where are we going? Well, I'm not sure where.
I'm sure of nothing, if I am to be honest.
But then again, can you in a life of deadly comments?
They're denting our outsides, and although we hide it,
We have internal damage, so we try to just bide it.
Promise me friend, you won't run away,
Because we're all mad here, so I'll ask you:
Please, stay?
Sunday, April 17, 2016
The Real Killer [EXPLICIT]
Look, I don't mean this about anyone but for real...
Fuck sympathy.
Sympathy is the real killer.
It tears apart the internal organs [i.e. heart].
It eats you from the inside out.
I know people like me who feel others pain.
The real debate is, "Is it a gift or a curse?".
"Ever since it began, I was blessed with a curse"
-bmth
It really is a struggle that gets people thinking.
I mean, not everyone has that feeling,
But it is undeniably a harbinger of real pain.
I've learned to isolate myself.
I get lost in my mind somewhere along the way.
It's a place in which I may not return from.
I'm so comfortable there, now.
I can't say I'm alone, because so many people try, and care.
But this just not change that I isolate myself from this.
Sympathy hurts.
Sympathy kills
Fuck sympathy.
I can't see my friends take in my pain.
I work alone.
I suffer alone.
Leave me alone.
A man and his thoughts.
The inner sociopath in us claws the surface.
We aren't mad men, but soon will will b.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Gaurd yourself from sympathy,
But promise me you won't cope like me.
I can't do it, but I can't do it alone, either.
Doesn't matter, nor, fo I care enough to try to change.
Don't drown with me.
Friday, April 15, 2016
Song Prompt
Emily did this... So why can't I?
Your favorite song: "Save" by Tyler Joseph or "Heaven Help Us" by My Chemical Romance
Your least favorite song: "Call Me Maybe" Carly Rae Jepson
A song that makes you happy: "Dead!" by My Chemical Romance
A song that makes you sad: There's so many, but for now, "The Water is Wide (O Waly Waly)" by Gerard Way
A song that reminds you of someone: MY LEEEAF :3 "Falling in Love Will Kill You" by WRONGCHILDE (ft. Gerard Way) AND "Drugstore Perfume" by Gerard Way
A song that reminds you of somewhere: "Sunflower Memories" by Joseph Arze
A song that reminds you of a certain event: "America" by Imagine Dragons
A song that you know all the words to: I have a lot... so... "I'm Not Okay (I promise)" by My Chemical Romance
A song that you can dance to: "Professional Griefers" by Deadmau5 (ft. Gerardy Way)
A song that makes you fall asleep: "Deathbeds" by Bring Me the Horizon (But In a good way. Not because it's boring)
A song from your favorite band: "Goner" by Twenty One Pilots AND "Thank You for the Venom" by My Chemical Romance
A song from a band you hate: "Hold Me" by Jamie Grace
A song that no one would expect you to love: "Out of my League" by Fitz and the Tantrums
A song that describes you: "The End" by My Chemical Romance
A song that you used to love, but now hate: "Shut Up and Dance with Me" by WALK THE MOON
A song that you hear often on the radio: "Tear in My Heart" by Twenty One Pilots
A song that you wish you heard on the radio: ""Doomed" by Bring Me the Horizon
A song from your favorite album: "I Never Told You What I Do for a Living" by My Chemical Romance
A song that you listen to when you're angry: "What You Need" by Bring Me the Horizon, "Gives You Hell" by The All-American Rejects, AND "King for a Day" by Pierce the Veil (ft. Kellin Quinn)
A song that you listen to when you're happy: "Na Na Na [Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na]" by My Chemical Romance
A song that you listen to when you're sad: "Hospital for Souls" by Bring Me the Horizon
A song that you want to play at your wedding: "Falling in Love Will Kill You" by WRONGCHILDE (ft. Gerard Way)
A song that you want to play at your funeral: "Cancer" by My Chemical Romance
A song that makes you laugh: "It Comes Naturally" by I Set My Friends on Fire
A song that you can play on an instrument: "Can't Help Falling in Love withh You" by Twenty One Pilots (Elvis Presley)
A song that you wish you could play: "Kill All Your Friends" by My Chemical Romance
A song from your childhood: "Driving Nails" by Demon Hunter
Your favorite song this time of last year: "Gonzo" by The All-American Rejects
Your favorite song: "Save" by Tyler Joseph or "Heaven Help Us" by My Chemical Romance
Your least favorite song: "Call Me Maybe" Carly Rae Jepson
A song that makes you happy: "Dead!" by My Chemical Romance
A song that makes you sad: There's so many, but for now, "The Water is Wide (O Waly Waly)" by Gerard Way
A song that reminds you of someone: MY LEEEAF :3 "Falling in Love Will Kill You" by WRONGCHILDE (ft. Gerard Way) AND "Drugstore Perfume" by Gerard Way
A song that reminds you of somewhere: "Sunflower Memories" by Joseph Arze
A song that reminds you of a certain event: "America" by Imagine Dragons
A song that you know all the words to: I have a lot... so... "I'm Not Okay (I promise)" by My Chemical Romance
A song that you can dance to: "Professional Griefers" by Deadmau5 (ft. Gerardy Way)
A song that makes you fall asleep: "Deathbeds" by Bring Me the Horizon (But In a good way. Not because it's boring)
A song from your favorite band: "Goner" by Twenty One Pilots AND "Thank You for the Venom" by My Chemical Romance
A song from a band you hate: "Hold Me" by Jamie Grace
A song that no one would expect you to love: "Out of my League" by Fitz and the Tantrums
A song that describes you: "The End" by My Chemical Romance
A song that you used to love, but now hate: "Shut Up and Dance with Me" by WALK THE MOON
A song that you hear often on the radio: "Tear in My Heart" by Twenty One Pilots
A song that you wish you heard on the radio: ""Doomed" by Bring Me the Horizon
A song from your favorite album: "I Never Told You What I Do for a Living" by My Chemical Romance
A song that you listen to when you're angry: "What You Need" by Bring Me the Horizon, "Gives You Hell" by The All-American Rejects, AND "King for a Day" by Pierce the Veil (ft. Kellin Quinn)
A song that you listen to when you're happy: "Na Na Na [Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na]" by My Chemical Romance
A song that you listen to when you're sad: "Hospital for Souls" by Bring Me the Horizon
A song that you want to play at your wedding: "Falling in Love Will Kill You" by WRONGCHILDE (ft. Gerard Way)
A song that you want to play at your funeral: "Cancer" by My Chemical Romance
A song that makes you laugh: "It Comes Naturally" by I Set My Friends on Fire
A song that you can play on an instrument: "Can't Help Falling in Love withh You" by Twenty One Pilots (Elvis Presley)
A song that you wish you could play: "Kill All Your Friends" by My Chemical Romance
A song from your childhood: "Driving Nails" by Demon Hunter
Your favorite song this time of last year: "Gonzo" by The All-American Rejects
Wednesday, April 13, 2016
Piano Jam
"Why chase love
when it fades away?
But is there ever time,
is there ever time to stay?
Why chase love
in the pouring rain?
But is there ever time,
is there ever time to say...
I wouldn't mind
layin with you here
stroking your hair
holding your hand
In the ambulance
Why chase love
it fades away.
Is there ever time,
is there ever time to stay?
Why chase love
in the pouring rain?
But is it ever time,
is it ever time to say
I wouldn't mind
laying with you here
stroking your hair
and holding your hand
In the ambulance
In the ambulance
In the ambulance
In the ambulance" -Gerard Way
Monday, April 11, 2016
Tap Tap Tap
I could've almost sworn that I saw someone at my window...
The "tap, tap, tap" on that window is driving me insane...
I reassure myself over and over again.
I think it was a bug, but you know that feeling you get?
You know,
The one where you look to make sure it was nothing, but the second you turn back,
You could swear that you saw something, someone at the window...
Maybe in the closet...
In the mirror...
You can never be certain...
I looked again...
This time I swear I saw eyes peeking at the bottom of the windowsill...
Someone or something pale...
As I wrote, I heard more tapping...
I was right...
Fear is here.
The "tap, tap, tap" on that window is driving me insane...
I reassure myself over and over again.
I think it was a bug, but you know that feeling you get?
You know,
The one where you look to make sure it was nothing, but the second you turn back,
You could swear that you saw something, someone at the window...
Maybe in the closet...
In the mirror...
You can never be certain...
I looked again...
This time I swear I saw eyes peeking at the bottom of the windowsill...
Someone or something pale...
As I wrote, I heard more tapping...
I was right...
Fear is here.
Monday, March 28, 2016
No Phun Intended
Ok. After procrastinating since last year, I have finally found time and willpower to make an iTunes file of Tyler Joseph's "No Phun Intended". I hope to find a more reliable way to send it to people other than Google Drive. It has the album picture, artist, and I also made it to where it says it's by Tyler Joseph, but the album shows up in the Twenty One Pilots section. Just let me know via email if you want it, and maybe I can send it through email. It has 18 out of 19 songs, because apparently 'Chords" does not exist on the internet. I guess that song is too personal for Tyler. Anyway, ya. Glad to have the information and songs all organized now.
My email I'll use for this is: nickentity@gmail.com
(Unless you have a better way to get it out publicly)
Stay sick, clique. |-/
My email I'll use for this is: nickentity@gmail.com
(Unless you have a better way to get it out publicly)
Stay sick, clique. |-/
Monday, March 21, 2016
To My Leaf
Not what the songs meaning is, but it beautifully explains what I feel...
"It's hard to think when losing someone only make you wanna scream
And now that you're gone
And now that you're gone
Sleep well, my friend
There will be another moment we'll meet again
Just let it go
Sleep well, goodnight
You're something to remember
I wish that you were here by my side..."
There will be another moment we'll meet again
Just let it go
Sleep well, goodnight
You're something to remember
I wish that you were here by my side..."
Psychology for Dummies
What's wrong?
"Nothing" - I don't want to talk about it.
"I don't know" - I want to talk about it, but not sure how.
"I'm just tired" - I'm really low right now.
"Please leave me alone" - Leave me alone and stop talking to me... Please
"Nothing" - I don't want to talk about it.
"I don't know" - I want to talk about it, but not sure how.
"I'm just tired" - I'm really low right now.
"Please leave me alone" - Leave me alone and stop talking to me... Please
Brace Yourself
I literally wish I could turn back time to the good ole days.
I wish I was 12 again.
There was nothing to care about.
I just didn't have to care.
No large school assignments.
No college.
For gosh sakes,
I spent hours on some website called "Roblox".
I'll never feel that carefree again.
It's kind of depressing.
I feel like I should've cherished that.
The nostalgia hurts.
I was so foolish then, but it was so much fun.
It didn't matter.
Nothing did.
I wish I was 12 again.
There was nothing to care about.
I just didn't have to care.
No large school assignments.
No college.
For gosh sakes,
I spent hours on some website called "Roblox".
I'll never feel that carefree again.
It's kind of depressing.
I feel like I should've cherished that.
The nostalgia hurts.
I was so foolish then, but it was so much fun.
It didn't matter.
Nothing did.
Sunday, March 20, 2016
Hello, I'm : Hysterical [EXPLICIT]
Shit... So many times have I hiked on my own blood. And too many times have I sacrificed my time for this... I have strong feelings. Often I let them bleed on the page, but what of the days with anger and writer's block?
I spend several minutes on the punching bag, bloodying my knuckles so you don't see the beast inside longing for resolve. You'll never give it to me, because you can't.
What a mess.
"If you follow me, you will only get lost
If you try to move closer, we'll only loose touch
But you already know too much...
And we're not going anywhere...
TELL ME THAT YOU NEED ME 'CAUSE I LOVE YOU SO MUCH
say you'll never leave me cause I need you so much..."
Oh screw it I'm lost in lyrics, lost in my head once again.
Hell, call me Hysterical. I won't judge.
Can't feed me lies, because I've gotten used to the taste.
How long can I hold my breath before the blood reaches the surface of my skin, huh?
Let's count, shall we?
One. Two late.
I spend several minutes on the punching bag, bloodying my knuckles so you don't see the beast inside longing for resolve. You'll never give it to me, because you can't.
What a mess.
"If you follow me, you will only get lost
If you try to move closer, we'll only loose touch
But you already know too much...
And we're not going anywhere...
TELL ME THAT YOU NEED ME 'CAUSE I LOVE YOU SO MUCH
say you'll never leave me cause I need you so much..."
Oh screw it I'm lost in lyrics, lost in my head once again.
Hell, call me Hysterical. I won't judge.
Can't feed me lies, because I've gotten used to the taste.
How long can I hold my breath before the blood reaches the surface of my skin, huh?
Let's count, shall we?
One. Two late.
OH Bother.
Excuse me... That's my life you're toying with... Please be gentle!
Dangit... Really? Why?... Thanks for nothing...
Dangit... Really? Why?... Thanks for nothing...
Recluse
I want to seclude myself, because I truly just don't want to live anymore. It just doesn't seem worth it. They're like vultures the way that they sit and look for your faults or anything else they can critique. I didn't want to say that, it's just one conversation will only end by saying one more thing, if that makes sense. What I say is true, but everything has meaning behind it. Know me. It's all I ask. Would you consider me a tamer of feelings? Maybe not? Thought not.
Leaf.
Leaf.
Monday, March 14, 2016
Just a Warning
For anyone who actually reads this, just warning you, if you read my blog you may or may not be subjected to some language. Now frankly, if it bothers you, that's ok, just don't read it. Sometimes my thoughts and feelings are explicit. If you come to me and say, "You don't have to, just make it PG.", then I'll just laugh and say this blog isn't meant for the enjoyment of others, yes, it's nice to have people read it, but it's actually (believe it or not) for me to vent somewhere public where hopefully I won't be persecuted. Basically what I'm saying is I wouldn't tell you to stop talking about depression because it "makes me uncomfortable", so I hope you have the courtesy to not ask me to suppress my rants. Thank you guys.
Saturday, March 12, 2016
I Lack Joy
I'm thinking too much
And now I'm drowning in my thoughts
I'm so afraid to live
Because a piece of me will rot
Every time
I get back
From my vacation of reality
I swear
I'm attacked
And cast into insanity
Wednesday, March 2, 2016
A Kitchen Sink to You, is Not a Kitchen Sink to Me
drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip I can hear the water following again. drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip A constant noise that toys with my head and in my brain. drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip I'd consult a shrink, but my kitchen sink is leaking, drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip And it's something no one else would be able to fix. drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip It's a mind game. Insanity is a mind game. drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip Is my depression sane? drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip Just because everyone has it doesn't mean I'm normal. drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip Doesn't mean I'm jumping on the bandwagon. drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip Doesn't mean I'm ok with my surroundings. drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip It's a fresh drink of water down my throat to hear a relatable statement. drip drip drip drip drip drip Because I'm so weary and tired of fighting. drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip.......
Tuesday, February 23, 2016
My Alice in Wonderland
The skeleton-faced man wearing a black parade uniform opened the small door with a bow and gesture through the doorway.
"What a strang place!", Alice remarked.
"Indeed. Welcome to the afterlife. Welcome to the Black Parade.", Said the man.
The absence of trees were replaced with a multitude of IV stations like the ones at the hospitals.
"Curiouser and curiouser...", said Alice.
Old World War II fighter jets flew in the sky, some, oddly enough, missing their wings.
Dead flowers lined a meadow in the valley that met in the distance with an old New York style city.
Alice bent down and took a whiff of the flowers, but to her surprise they smelled of smoke and death.
Even though this would usually cause someone to feel sick to their stomach, the aroma almost came across as inviting as her senses processed the odor.
In the distance, Alice started hearing what sounded like the drums of a military style parade.
The constant, "Bum. Bum bum bum bum. Bum bum bum bum. Bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum".
Subcociously, the two started walking to the rythm, the man seemingly waltzing to it, like an old couple dances to a song from their early years of marriage.
He gave off a melancholy emotion as the hollow wind blew the dead grass and the man's uniform softly.
The atmosphere was depressing, yet serene. Painful, yet comforting.
With each step, the drums became louder, until over the horizon, Alice could see hundreds or thousands of oddly dressed individuals marching to the tune of demise. A sweet, yet sorrowful tune that resonated in the air like the humidity of a damp, summer morn.
The man started humming a tune that later escalated in to words. Almost out of nowhere, the sound of a quaint and familiar piano piece was heard in the air, echoing through the clouds.
The words were hard to make out at first, but then Alice heard the man say,
"When I was a young boy, my father took me into the city to see a marching band...".
Suddenly, as if she already knew the song, she began to hysterically sing along.
She didn't care anymore. She had started to lose her sense of reality. This was reality now.
After all, it was only minutes ago that the young Alice had died of leukemia. Moments before, listening to the song "Cancer" by My Chemical Romance as her last request before she would slip into the comforting embrace that was death.
"What a strang place!", Alice remarked.
"Indeed. Welcome to the afterlife. Welcome to the Black Parade.", Said the man.
The absence of trees were replaced with a multitude of IV stations like the ones at the hospitals.
"Curiouser and curiouser...", said Alice.
Old World War II fighter jets flew in the sky, some, oddly enough, missing their wings.
Dead flowers lined a meadow in the valley that met in the distance with an old New York style city.
Alice bent down and took a whiff of the flowers, but to her surprise they smelled of smoke and death.
Even though this would usually cause someone to feel sick to their stomach, the aroma almost came across as inviting as her senses processed the odor.
In the distance, Alice started hearing what sounded like the drums of a military style parade.
The constant, "Bum. Bum bum bum bum. Bum bum bum bum. Bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum".
Subcociously, the two started walking to the rythm, the man seemingly waltzing to it, like an old couple dances to a song from their early years of marriage.
He gave off a melancholy emotion as the hollow wind blew the dead grass and the man's uniform softly.
The atmosphere was depressing, yet serene. Painful, yet comforting.
With each step, the drums became louder, until over the horizon, Alice could see hundreds or thousands of oddly dressed individuals marching to the tune of demise. A sweet, yet sorrowful tune that resonated in the air like the humidity of a damp, summer morn.
The man started humming a tune that later escalated in to words. Almost out of nowhere, the sound of a quaint and familiar piano piece was heard in the air, echoing through the clouds.
The words were hard to make out at first, but then Alice heard the man say,
"When I was a young boy, my father took me into the city to see a marching band...".
Suddenly, as if she already knew the song, she began to hysterically sing along.
She didn't care anymore. She had started to lose her sense of reality. This was reality now.
After all, it was only minutes ago that the young Alice had died of leukemia. Moments before, listening to the song "Cancer" by My Chemical Romance as her last request before she would slip into the comforting embrace that was death.
Monday, February 22, 2016
What a Waste.
Why is adolescence just school, God, and a few distractions?
It takes away from any kind of meaning of life.
Makes it less worth it.
Much less the effort.
It takes away from any kind of meaning of life.
Makes it less worth it.
Much less the effort.
My Chemical Entity
And as always, innocent like roller coasters.
Fatality is like ghosts in snow and you have no idea what you're up against
because I've seen what they look like.
Becoming perfect as if they were sterling silver chainsaws going cascading...
Like ghosts in the sun, like ghosts in the snow...
~My Chemical Romance~
Fatality is like ghosts in snow and you have no idea what you're up against
because I've seen what they look like.
Becoming perfect as if they were sterling silver chainsaws going cascading...
Like ghosts in the sun, like ghosts in the snow...
~My Chemical Romance~
Lyrics of the Day #19
"Terrified of what I'd be
As a kid from what I've seenEvery single day when people try
And put the pieces back together
Just to smash them down
Turn my headphones up real loud
I don't think I need them now
'Cause you stopped the noise."- Summertime by My Chemical Romance
Wednesday, February 17, 2016
Insanity? Sounds good to me.
I believe that everyone is insane. We just each have our own definitions, or lies, if you will, to mask our acknowledgement of their exsistence.
Some call it hope
Some call it love
Some call it happiness
Some call it genius
Some call it mad
Some call it aggressive
Some call it talent
Some call it art
Some call it habit
Some call it depression
Some call it peace
Some call it self-control
(That last one makes me laugh)
No matter what you call yours, we both know the truth.
Tick Tick Boom
Why are we fighting death if it's inevitable?
I am not afraid, because it's quite compressible.
Each second I get closer to my dieing breath,
I often wonder how much time I have left.
I could choke on those words I'd never say,
Or just bide them up for another day.
What's on line?
I'm not really certain
But whatever this is behind the curtain
Could cost a life
Maybe two or three
They will crash to the ground like a falling tree
"In a forest...
If I fall to the ground,
and there's no one around,
Will I make a sound?"
I am not afraid, because it's quite compressible.
Each second I get closer to my dieing breath,
I often wonder how much time I have left.
I could choke on those words I'd never say,
Or just bide them up for another day.
What's on line?
I'm not really certain
But whatever this is behind the curtain
Could cost a life
Maybe two or three
They will crash to the ground like a falling tree
"In a forest...
If I fall to the ground,
and there's no one around,
Will I make a sound?"
Wednesday, January 20, 2016
Lyrics of the day #18
"You say this is suicide,
I say this is a war
And I'm losing the battle
Man down, man down, oh
Is this what you call love?
This is a war I can't win!
One more nail in the coffin, one more foot in the grave
One more time I'm on my knees as I try to walk away
Everything I've loved became everything I lost"- It Never Ends by Bring Me the Horizon
I say this is a war
And I'm losing the battle
Man down, man down, oh
Is this what you call love?
This is a war I can't win!
One more nail in the coffin, one more foot in the grave
One more time I'm on my knees as I try to walk away
Everything I've loved became everything I lost"- It Never Ends by Bring Me the Horizon
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